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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
Birth Control Market Down; Sexually Transmitted Disease Prevention Unemployment Skyrocketing March 28, 2010
The RhyDin economy has continued to hemorrhage jobs in the STD prevention and treatment markets, challenging the government to find a cure for rising unemployment in an already cure-laden system.
Consider the situation of Harris Davis, founder of RhyDin West Memorial Hospital, whose lack of patients has threatened to derail a once flourishing business.
"I just don't get it," said Davis. "When we first opened the hospital, cases of Chlamydia and herpes were all over the place like" uh' herpes. But now no one in RhyDin ever seems to get infected anymore, despite obviously prevalent promiscuous lifestyles. Poor Manny down in the pharmacy has been stuck playing Sudoku every shift for the past year, he's filled so few prescriptions."
Treatment isn't the only market that suffers, though. Apparently, STD prevention and birth control industries have also begun to feel the squeeze.
Davis Harris, a representative for Lance-A-Lot Condoms, conducted a press conference Monday where he announced the layoffs of three thousand employees.
"RhyDin is made up of two kinds of people," claimed Harris. "Those that miraculously never get pregnant, and those that always do. It appears Lance-A-Lot, RhyDin's most reliable birth control, can assist neither of them."
Reports have indicated that jobs in birth control have been repeatedly slashed since February of last year, capping out at an all-time high of sixty-nine thousand unemployed pill-pushers.
"The economy is going to Hades," said Randy Rider, a former CEO for Vanguard Vasectomies. "I honestly can't see how, with the way people get around, we're not all dying of some horrible super magic-powered venereal disease. I mean' viruses adapt to antibiotics, right' Shouldn't that be the case here?"
Added Rider: "RhyDin needs to contract more illnesses, and fast. Good people are going to lose their jobs if not."
RhyDin economists have begun making plans for an emergency job program, should birth control sales dip any further. The strategy, which involves funneling preventative medicine employment opportunities into a parenthood program, has evolved into a Pre-Recession Emergent Proposal, Health division.
Project leader Darris Havis reportedly has a great deal of faith in the contingency plan.
"It is really a great idea created by the best minds RhyDin has to offer," said Havis. "P.R.E.P. H. will undoubtedly keep the unemployment situation from boiling up and exploding any more than it already has.?
In related news, education in schools of practicing safer hex is down.
]
Birth Control Market Down; Sexually Transmitted Disease Prevention Unemployment Skyrocketing March 28, 2010
The RhyDin economy has continued to hemorrhage jobs in the STD prevention and treatment markets, challenging the government to find a cure for rising unemployment in an already cure-laden system.
Consider the situation of Harris Davis, founder of RhyDin West Memorial Hospital, whose lack of patients has threatened to derail a once flourishing business.
"I just don't get it," said Davis. "When we first opened the hospital, cases of Chlamydia and herpes were all over the place like" uh' herpes. But now no one in RhyDin ever seems to get infected anymore, despite obviously prevalent promiscuous lifestyles. Poor Manny down in the pharmacy has been stuck playing Sudoku every shift for the past year, he's filled so few prescriptions."
Treatment isn't the only market that suffers, though. Apparently, STD prevention and birth control industries have also begun to feel the squeeze.
Davis Harris, a representative for Lance-A-Lot Condoms, conducted a press conference Monday where he announced the layoffs of three thousand employees.
"RhyDin is made up of two kinds of people," claimed Harris. "Those that miraculously never get pregnant, and those that always do. It appears Lance-A-Lot, RhyDin's most reliable birth control, can assist neither of them."
Reports have indicated that jobs in birth control have been repeatedly slashed since February of last year, capping out at an all-time high of sixty-nine thousand unemployed pill-pushers.
"The economy is going to Hades," said Randy Rider, a former CEO for Vanguard Vasectomies. "I honestly can't see how, with the way people get around, we're not all dying of some horrible super magic-powered venereal disease. I mean' viruses adapt to antibiotics, right' Shouldn't that be the case here?"
Added Rider: "RhyDin needs to contract more illnesses, and fast. Good people are going to lose their jobs if not."
RhyDin economists have begun making plans for an emergency job program, should birth control sales dip any further. The strategy, which involves funneling preventative medicine employment opportunities into a parenthood program, has evolved into a Pre-Recession Emergent Proposal, Health division.
Project leader Darris Havis reportedly has a great deal of faith in the contingency plan.
"It is really a great idea created by the best minds RhyDin has to offer," said Havis. "P.R.E.P. H. will undoubtedly keep the unemployment situation from boiling up and exploding any more than it already has.?
In related news, education in schools of practicing safer hex is down.
]