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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
Orphans Now Being Taught "Valuable Life Lessons" by Hometown Heroes November 11, 2010
*Popular RhyDin music mixer DJ Highball expressed his humanitarian side to the boys and girls at the Flower Home Orphanage for six hours on Saturday. As part of a weekend youth outreach program the group of eight-year-olds were taught the basic fundamentals of valuable life skills that will guarantee them a career and permit them to be fiscally successful in the future.
"The way I see it, these poor souls come into these group homes with little to no job experience that will prepare them for the rest of their lives," said Highball. "This is really my way of giving back to the community."
Highball reportedly spent the entire day brushing the children up on the essential how-to's of cutting heroin, rolling and packaging marijuana for individual sale, and fashioning bongs out of everyday household appliances.
"You would be amazed at how little our youth knows coming into places like this," commented Highball in disgust. "I mean what do they expect for these kids" Just house them until they turn eighteen and turn them out on the streets" To do what? Starve" How are they supposed to make a decent living if nothing these orphanages does prepares them for the future?"
According to figures published by the W.G.A.D. Weekly, thirty-three percent of all orphaned children remain unemployed for at least six years after the age of eighteen. Highball's crash-course in "juggling" ensures that children in this age range at least have a lucrative career opportunity that requires little to no schooling for early on in their lives. And so far, the promise that the subjects have shown has been dazzling.
"You really ought to see the way their faces light up when he shows them the aesthetic quality of holding a gun sideways, and how it increases your intimidation factor," Mildred Riggor, founder of the Flower Home Children's Foundation, said. "What is doing is teaching them valuable life lessons that they are going to need once we say goodbye to them. RhyDin could use more people like him."
Furthermore, Highball argues that the live fire exercises he encourages the students to participate in leaves the children significantly better prepared for the drive-by shootings and random killing sprees they will likely encounter in their line of work.
"What really floors me is the change it brings out in some of the children," added Riggor. "During the 'kill the snitch' exercise, I'll see boys and girls who are normally very timid team up with a bunch of their peers to 'torture' a 'colleague' and his family for information to protect their cocaine empires. I mean that is what teamwork is all about."
And though the curriculum is only a temporary one, Highball contends that the importance of the program lay in its message.
"What it all comes down to is giving those kids a purpose, and the skills to use later in life. If you give a man a fish, you'll have fed him for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, then he can kill a <CENSORED>-ton of mother-<CENSORED> fishes."
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
"A Helping Hand." Thank you!]]
Orphans Now Being Taught "Valuable Life Lessons" by Hometown Heroes November 11, 2010
*Popular RhyDin music mixer DJ Highball expressed his humanitarian side to the boys and girls at the Flower Home Orphanage for six hours on Saturday. As part of a weekend youth outreach program the group of eight-year-olds were taught the basic fundamentals of valuable life skills that will guarantee them a career and permit them to be fiscally successful in the future.
"The way I see it, these poor souls come into these group homes with little to no job experience that will prepare them for the rest of their lives," said Highball. "This is really my way of giving back to the community."
Highball reportedly spent the entire day brushing the children up on the essential how-to's of cutting heroin, rolling and packaging marijuana for individual sale, and fashioning bongs out of everyday household appliances.
"You would be amazed at how little our youth knows coming into places like this," commented Highball in disgust. "I mean what do they expect for these kids" Just house them until they turn eighteen and turn them out on the streets" To do what? Starve" How are they supposed to make a decent living if nothing these orphanages does prepares them for the future?"
According to figures published by the W.G.A.D. Weekly, thirty-three percent of all orphaned children remain unemployed for at least six years after the age of eighteen. Highball's crash-course in "juggling" ensures that children in this age range at least have a lucrative career opportunity that requires little to no schooling for early on in their lives. And so far, the promise that the subjects have shown has been dazzling.
"You really ought to see the way their faces light up when he shows them the aesthetic quality of holding a gun sideways, and how it increases your intimidation factor," Mildred Riggor, founder of the Flower Home Children's Foundation, said. "What is doing is teaching them valuable life lessons that they are going to need once we say goodbye to them. RhyDin could use more people like him."
Furthermore, Highball argues that the live fire exercises he encourages the students to participate in leaves the children significantly better prepared for the drive-by shootings and random killing sprees they will likely encounter in their line of work.
"What really floors me is the change it brings out in some of the children," added Riggor. "During the 'kill the snitch' exercise, I'll see boys and girls who are normally very timid team up with a bunch of their peers to 'torture' a 'colleague' and his family for information to protect their cocaine empires. I mean that is what teamwork is all about."
And though the curriculum is only a temporary one, Highball contends that the importance of the program lay in its message.
"What it all comes down to is giving those kids a purpose, and the skills to use later in life. If you give a man a fish, you'll have fed him for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, then he can kill a <CENSORED>-ton of mother-<CENSORED> fishes."
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
"A Helping Hand." Thank you!]]