Topic: Texts from Mom

Traeline Helston · Date: 2013-08-29 15:50 EST

Chryrie: "Honey can you show me how to make a sandy witch again?"

Me: "Mom, it's called a sandwich."

Chryrie: "That's a terrible name for food. Sounds like a disease."

Me: "Right. I'll be over after work."

Chryrie: "Thank you sweetie"

Traeline Helston · Date: 2013-09-08 14:12 EST

Me: Mom, why is there a horse in my driveway"

Chryrie: You said you wanted a mustang. Is he the wrong color"

Me: Mooooom! I was talking about the car!

Chryrie: Oh. Well, enjoy the horse anyway.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2013-09-16 19:01 EST

Chryrie: I was showing your picture to the nice boys who work at the Clinic.

Me: Mom. I have a boyfriend.

Chryrie: Some of them are single. You should swing by there soon.

Me: STOP IT MOM!

Chryrie: Just saying.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2013-10-30 10:01 EST

Chryrie: Did that nice boy text you yet"

Me: Uh..."

Chryrie: He said he was single and he seemed nice.

Me: I'm still with David, Mom.

Chryrie: And he looked like he had a nice job.

Me: STOP GIVING OUT MY NUMBER TO STRANGE MEN!

Traeline Helston · Date: 2013-11-06 11:45 EST

Chryrie: Yes, I'll be home this evening. Why?

Me: Cuz David and I were gonna stop by and pick up the furniture you're getting rid of. It's nicer than what we've got here.

Chryrie: Oh! I guess that means I should put some clothes on.

Me: Yes, Mom. Please. OMG

Traeline Helston · Date: 2013-11-07 16:16 EST

Chryrie: I hope you never do this twanking thing. It looks ridiculous.

Me: It's twerking.

Chryrie: WHATEVER! DON'T DO IT!

Me: Right. No twanking or twerking. On it.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2013-11-08 15:12 EST

Chryrie: Are you coming with me to the seamstress today?

Me: Yeah. Just gotta tell David bye before I go.

Chryrie: Just remember, Namaarie is Goodbye in Elvish. Cyanide is Goodbye in any language.

Me: NOT FUNNY!

Chryrie: I thought it was.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2013-11-11 16:09 EST

Me: So I was gonna swing by and help you with the automatic kitchen repair.

Chryrie: Don't come by for a few days. Dru and I are going to be having sex on a canvas.

Me: Wow. I'm not sure if that was autocorrect or a massive typo.

Chryrie: What do you mean?

Me: Look what you sent me.

Chryrie: It was all entirely correct.

Me: ...

Traeline Helston · Date: 2013-11-15 21:41 EST

Me: Hey Mom' Are you a DDS?

Chryrie: I'm a MILF.

Me: Oh geeze. Ew Mom. Just ew.

Chryrie: No' Druid will be disappointed.

Me: OMG STOP!

Chryrie: Haha! No, I'm a M.D. and a D.V.M.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2013-12-02 19:01 EST

Chryrie: Best bang of my life!

Me: OMG Mom! EW! I did NOT need to hear that!

Chryrie: Sorry. That wasn't me. I think Druid was playing with my phone.

Me: Tell that souless ginger I'm scarred for life and I'm coming for him.

Chryrie: Actually I was.

Me: Oh jeezus effin christ.

Chryrie: He's not here, but I'll have Dru send him a message!

Me: ....I hate you both.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2013-12-06 16:55 EST

Chryrie: Sweetie, did I leave my vag over there"

Me: I know you're a Helston now, but that's a bit much.

Chryrie: What"

Me: Check that first text, Mom.

Chryrie: I mean my BAG. My medical bag, you brat.

Me: Uh huh. Sure. And neither your vag or bag are here.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2013-12-28 00:13 EST

Me: Hey Mom. David got me pregnant.

Chryrie: HE WHAT?! I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!

Me: Just kidding. But I broke your vase in the livingroom.

Chryrie: Oh. Ok then.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-01-03 17:24 EST

Chryrie: Well snow. Just remember the guy I'm dating already have to share the bed with a crazy leaf it also has to do with my perennial programs.

Me: What the hell was that?

Chryrie: Maybe I should stick to the voice to text option.

Me: Please.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-01-07 17:50 EST

Chryrie: It's all sh*ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh*ts. That's your lesson for today.

Me: STOP STEALING MOM'S PHONE, DRU!

Chryrie: Hehehehe

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-01-08 09:33 EST

Me: But where did you leave it"

Chryrie: Oh probably in the office. I D K

Me: Ha. You don't need the spaces. It's just idk.

Chryrie: Do you need the spaces for F U "

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-01-09 09:51 EST

Chryrie: What did you want to do for your birthday this year"

Me: That's months away, Mom.

Chryrie: I know, but I want to plan ahead.

Me: Fine. I wanna go to the strip club, buy some cigarettes, get a tattoo, and blow a bunch of money at the casino.

Chryrie: Ok. I'm invited too, right"

Me: O.o

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-01-24 12:06 EST

Me: Yanno, Mia is gonna be 14 this year.

Chryrie: Yes. I know this.

Me: How is the family going to handle it when SHE wants to start dating?

Chryrie: We will cross that bridge when Kitty throws her off of it.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-01-24 12:11 EST

Chryrie: Honestly child of mine. What could possibly be taking you so long?

Me: Well, if you MUST know, I'm pooping.

Chryrie: Classy dear daughter.

Me: No. Gassy. David made burritos last night.

Chryrie: I think I'll come back in a couple hours.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-01-30 09:08 EST

Chryrie: Fine. I'll talk to you tomorrow. 2.5

Me: 2.5?

Chryrie: You always put less than 3 in your texts. I can't find that symbol on my phone. 2.5 is less than 3.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-01-31 12:30 EST

Me: I think I need a vacation.

Chryrie: Why's that?

Me: Well, one of the guys had a bachelor party, and they asked me to chaperon.

Chryrie: Ok.

Me: We were there for two hours before I realized the waitresses were topless.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-02-19 18:15 EST

Me: I think one of the models is snorting cocaine.

Chryrie: I never understood why people would do that.

Me: Me neither.

Chryrie: I mean, the only thing I want up my nose is my finger.

Me: This isn't Mom, is it?

Chryrie: Nope.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-03-14 09:48 EST

Chryrie: Have you seen my broom"

Me: Why' Are you going somewhere"

Chryrie: Ha ha very funny. You're grounded.

Me: I don't even live there anymore!

Chryrie: I don't care. You're still grounded.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-03-14 16:11 EST

Me: Good night, Mom.

Chryrie: Within the time space continuum of alternating states of mind and soul, I hope you have a pleasant and non-refractory interim before somnolence.

Me: Either you need help or someone stole your phone again.

Chryrie: Heehee! Love you!

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-03-20 14:35 EST

Chryrie: You're late. Are you ok?

Me: No. I've been kidnapped.

Chryrie: Oh, ok. Let me know when they get tired of your sass and return you. Should only take a couple hours at most.

Me: ....gee, thanks.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-03-25 14:13 EST

Chryrie: Hi space honey space exclamation point space space I space got space a space new space phone period space space I space think space I space like space it.

Me: And apparently using the voice to text option. Mom, you don't have to say space between each word. It does it for you automatically.

Chryrie: Avacado dish purple hookah.

Me: OMG stop! I'll call you in a few seconds.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-03-25 17:46 EST

Me: David moved out.

Chryrie: Oh I'm sorry baby. I know I hated him, but I'm sorry you're hurt. Do you need me to come over"

Me: I don't know. I just know he broke my heart. I don't know how you dealt with this so many times.

Chryrie: I'm going to tell you what my mother told me. When a man breaks your heart, you sleep with his best friend.

Me: Nana told you that"

Chryrie: Maybe it was your aunt. I don't remember.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-07-31 08:00 EST

Chryrie: I see you came over.

Me: How do you know it was me"

Chryrie: There are bullet holes in Druid's shack.

Me: Oh. I was wondering why you had a garden shed inside the Manor.

Chryrie: Why would you shoot my garden shed"

Me: It creaked at me weird like.

Chryrie: I'm calling your father.

Me: Which one" One doesn't like you and the other is dead.

Chryrie: Both. Death doesn't stop me anymore, remember"

Me: ....crap.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-08-01 06:56 EST

Me: Hey Mom. I'm gonna stop by the market to buy some new boobs before I go to Dark Lake. Did you want me to grab you anything?

Chryrie: Honey, I know you don't have any, but if a man really loves you, the size won't matter. Not everyone wants them like your aunt Kitty.

Me: What' BOOTS! I'm buying boots!

Me: AND I DO TOO HAVE BOOBS!

Traeline Helston · Date: 2014-08-01 20:39 EST

Chryrie: Hey sweetie. I got a new phone.

Me: Another one"! What happened this time"

Chryrie: Well I found this thing called airplane mode. So I turned it on and then tossed it into the air.

Chryrie: I'm very disappointed that it did not fly. I think the airplane mode was defective.

Me: Um...

Traeline Helston · Date: 2015-02-12 20:30 EST

Chryrie: I think I'm starting to get the hang of this internet thing. I found something called Fairybook! It has these fun little games. You should join so I can invite you to play with me.

Me: OMG NO MOM! Get off that thing!

Chryrie: Why' It's fun! But really. You should join. I need more people so I can get to the next level of making my little castle.

Me: Gods dammit Mom! STOP! Get off that site. It sucks away your soul.

Chryrie: I don't think that's an issue anymore.

Me: Not for YOU! I'd like to keep mine awhile longer!

Chryrie: Oh fine. Think your Aunt would join?

Me: ....No. Just no.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2015-05-27 18:02 EST

Chryrie: You need to come by and pick up this couch.

Me: Why don't you just poof it over here?

Chryrie: Because I want my daughter to come see me!

Me: Fine. I'll come by later tomorrow.

Chryrie: Maybe with a Pomeranian or something.

Chryrie: Whoops! That was for someone else.

Me: Yeah. I don't think even a St. Bernard could carry that thing.

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-01-01 15:51 EST

http://i.imgur.com/HMKKy6S.jpg

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-01-04 13:25 EST

http://i.imgur.com/SXqGRRL.jpg

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-01-08 00:02 EST

http://i.imgur.com/d0LJGJm.jpg

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-01-14 20:15 EST

http://i.imgur.com/ai48Bnl.jpg

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-01-29 15:26 EST

http://i.imgur.com/iHSAfmd.jpg

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-02-05 16:51 EST

http://i.imgur.com/3fTuzMI.jpg

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-02-08 13:23 EST

http://i.imgur.com/wM1nDA2.jpg

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-02-24 13:28 EST

http://i.imgur.com/gs1oVoD.jpg

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-03-13 14:08 EST

http://i.imgur.com/vFvbxmy.jpg

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-03-25 01:04 EST

http://i.imgur.com/6s291Kc.jpg

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-03-26 16:11 EST

http://i.imgur.com/XqmF66I.png

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-05-06 13:57 EST

http://i.imgur.com/RfkYikM.jpg

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-07-15 12:16 EST

http://i.imgur.com/1ildff3.jpg

Traeline Helston · Date: 2017-11-04 18:03 EST

https://i.imgur.com/rGgQ2tP.jpg

Topic: Texts from Mom

Traeline Helston

Traeline Helston

Traeline Helston

Traeline Helston

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