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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
RhyDin Hospital Files for Bankruptcy, Opens Brothel February 20, 2011
*In an effort to compensate for dramatic losses in earnings, StreamVista Hospital has rented out its adjacent office buildings to professional RhyDin madam Justine Case and her staff of twenty, RhyDin Business magazine reports.
"Unfortunately no one really gets sick anymore," Miranda Vlaken, StreamVista operations director, said. "I mean sure, you will have the occasional gunshot or stab wound that comes in off the streets, but for better or worse long-term diseases just don't exist in this town. It puts serious restrictions on our yearly statements."
According to Vlaken, outpatient procedures in the past two years made up eighty percent of overall hospital activities, but only eight percent of the hospital's profit margin.
"We count on sick people getting sicker to make any money," said Vlaken. "But people are way too eager to be beaten within an inch of their lives and then recover miraculously in three days. Our earnings correspond almost directly to a patient's length of stay, so that pretty much screws us."
Added Vlaken: "I guess they're just that eager to get back to friends and fish for sympathy."
When massive budget and staff cuts failed to compensate for the hospital's losses this year, StreamVista decided to open its doors to another mutually beneficial RhyDin business.
"We kept it low-key at first," explained Vlaken. "Permitted patients to get the" ahem' services that they wanted if they could afford it. Specially hired nurses and attractive staff members would drop hints and suggest different ways to' ahem' relax during their stay."
Within two months of operations, the StreamVista Hospital and SteamView House had collectively accumulated over half a year's earnings.
"It didn't just boil down to employing hot, scantily-clad nurses," said Vlaken just last week. "When we started giving hospital patients exclusive privileges to the girls and men of their choice, in addition to special discounts, our own profits went through the roof."
Reports released this quarter indicate that while hypochondriac admissions are up seventy-six percent, inpatient admission has tripled.
"That's what?s so fortunate about sharing buildings with a brothel," added Vlaken. "We get to take care of all the diseased clients once SteamView is finished with them."
"I don't understand why we didn't think of this before," commented Madam Case. "People in hospitals get bored. What better way to occupy their time?"
"Yes. I was very, um' yes, very sick," said Mervin Fizer, patient at StreamVista. "But that nurse was the breast - I mean' best' uh' caretaker anyone could have."
*Some facts have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
"Wind Shear: Recovery and After Effects". Thank you!]]
RhyDin Hospital Files for Bankruptcy, Opens Brothel February 20, 2011
*In an effort to compensate for dramatic losses in earnings, StreamVista Hospital has rented out its adjacent office buildings to professional RhyDin madam Justine Case and her staff of twenty, RhyDin Business magazine reports.
"Unfortunately no one really gets sick anymore," Miranda Vlaken, StreamVista operations director, said. "I mean sure, you will have the occasional gunshot or stab wound that comes in off the streets, but for better or worse long-term diseases just don't exist in this town. It puts serious restrictions on our yearly statements."
According to Vlaken, outpatient procedures in the past two years made up eighty percent of overall hospital activities, but only eight percent of the hospital's profit margin.
"We count on sick people getting sicker to make any money," said Vlaken. "But people are way too eager to be beaten within an inch of their lives and then recover miraculously in three days. Our earnings correspond almost directly to a patient's length of stay, so that pretty much screws us."
Added Vlaken: "I guess they're just that eager to get back to friends and fish for sympathy."
When massive budget and staff cuts failed to compensate for the hospital's losses this year, StreamVista decided to open its doors to another mutually beneficial RhyDin business.
"We kept it low-key at first," explained Vlaken. "Permitted patients to get the" ahem' services that they wanted if they could afford it. Specially hired nurses and attractive staff members would drop hints and suggest different ways to' ahem' relax during their stay."
Within two months of operations, the StreamVista Hospital and SteamView House had collectively accumulated over half a year's earnings.
"It didn't just boil down to employing hot, scantily-clad nurses," said Vlaken just last week. "When we started giving hospital patients exclusive privileges to the girls and men of their choice, in addition to special discounts, our own profits went through the roof."
Reports released this quarter indicate that while hypochondriac admissions are up seventy-six percent, inpatient admission has tripled.
"That's what?s so fortunate about sharing buildings with a brothel," added Vlaken. "We get to take care of all the diseased clients once SteamView is finished with them."
"I don't understand why we didn't think of this before," commented Madam Case. "People in hospitals get bored. What better way to occupy their time?"
"Yes. I was very, um' yes, very sick," said Mervin Fizer, patient at StreamVista. "But that nurse was the breast - I mean' best' uh' caretaker anyone could have."
*Some facts have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
"Wind Shear: Recovery and After Effects". Thank you!]]