Topic: Weighing of the Heart (Journal)

This Dark One · Date: 2012-04-14 08:35 EST

14.4.XX

You're probably wondering how I manage to write with hands like mine" And you're probably wondering what the red ink is, but' It isn't ink. It's blood. My, blood"

The black tome left to me by my former self was written in the same manner, except, the blood scribed onto the old pages was from hundreds of different sources, and not just one. I wonder how many people died, to fuel the ink of that blasphemous thing. I wonder" How my former self could live day by day knowing that etching a few words into a silly book meant spilling the blood of an innocent soul"

No, no " this book is going to be written in my blood, and my blood alone. These pages shall not be written in other people's death and sorrow, pain and suffering. No this book will be written, through my pain, and my suffering" I just hope it makes me feel like I've, somehow redeemed myself.

Kind of a grim introduction, huh' I might as well have written in big bold letters on the lovely white cover of this tome: "Warning, may contain angst!"

Which, I suppose, it kind of already does, huh"

So why am I writing" Why"

I've been asking that question every day since I came to being, outside of that Glass Box. The Metal Man " that, Leo, person' To think I would bump into him again and to think I would discover that it was he who put me there" Along with that man called Edward Batten; the other me, the darker me" It seems to know this man well.

I don't know why I got so angry at him' I did not mean to. It's not his fault I was imprisoned there. It was not his fault that she died there. It was hers"

Anyway, why"

Why write in this book; why bother"

I suppose, I just want something to balance the atrocities of the black tome. Maybe I just want to, feel like I have done something to correct it. But, I want to record almost everything here in these pages, so that, if I do forget again " who I am, what I am, and why I fight, this, at least will remind me. The truth is in here, and not from the lips of someone else who would look to try and deceive me. This book can be the place to store my memories, keeping them safe.

There is a cold, hard truth I have to live with. That, being, I have no friends " no, not really. Friends wouldn't lie to me, tell me I am something I am not' Friends wouldn't hide things from me. Friends would not secretly cower in fear of knowing that I am just a ticking time bomb waiting to happen and friends would not look to destroy me, or attack me, if they saw me loose grip on my control over" The Instinct' A dark, insidious instinct'

The hunger" To kill....to maim....to render" to rip " to kick " to slash " to destroy " to change and to' Kill, eat, repeat' To consume and become perfection incarnate"

That Instinct calls itself the Manticore, and it is the last remaining element of a woman, who died for her desperate attempt at clinging to life. I wished though, she had died, and not left that thing to rule over a mind " me, that is frail, and weak, that is easily manipulated by brighter minds.

I don't have friends to understand me. But, there is someone, who is more than that. He comes to me when I cry at night, he holds me when I scream myself awake, and he's there to put a hand on my shoulder when I start to forget. It's hard, knowing, I could forget him, and everything we have been through together in an instant. Though, that only ever happens, when the Manticore comes out, fully.

That hasn't happened for a while now, but, it almost happened. A few times" And he was there to hold me and remind me what it is I am fighting against. He has branded me with a mark I may once have considered, a slave mark" But it's something more; something special. It may allow him to follow me; spy on me, if he so wished, but it's a leash to prevent me from straying too far away from his embrace. If I call out to him, he will appear.

If I cry, he will appear.

If the Manticore threatens to take control, he will appear, and he will save me from myself. Saving innocent lives from the monster that I know I am to be.

I think, I won't end this entry on a low note " no, I need to be positive. I'm living at the Coven, now. The Mage House leader " Miranda, she has accepted my stay there but, under strict supervision. I don't blame her " I do not mind being treated as a prisoner within her home because, if it settles her mind that her family is safe whilst I reside there, then" I'll take whatever shackle that needs to be worn, just so that I can, be close to' Him"

I can tell Kaius does not like the idea. He wants me to be free" I want to believe him that I can be free, but, with the stigma of everyone's hatred for this face, and the lurking presence of the Manticore" How can I blame Miranda for wanting to protect what she holds dear"

...So much for ending on a high note.

This Dark One · Date: 2012-04-14 14:10 EST

16.4.XX

I think journals are meant to kind of start off being all:

"Dear Diary."

Or something along the lines of that' So, here goes nothing.

Dear Diary"

I think it loses its effect when it's written in blood"

After the altercation with The Metal Man Leo, and a long soul search " no pun intended, I felt as if I knew what must be done. I think I touched on it before, but I believe I mentioned " or maybe I didn't, and just thought I did"

Hmmm, anyway " back on track before I forget what I am about to say.

After soul searching, and wandering the city I found myself at that caf" type, library shop they call the Teas and Tomes. It's funny really. I went in there three times already in the past and no matter what time of day it is, the owner and his granddaughter " daughter" " are always welcoming me with a familiar smile and a glass of vodka. As if they were expecting my order. Like I was some kind of regular"

Ah there I go, rambling on, avoiding the point.

As I sat down in the Teas, I saw up on the top shelf " go figure, a white rose. It did not take me long to realise Kaius has been following me all that time. I think he was concerned. It's so sweet of him to show it that way. Even if, to a degree, I felt like his eyes were a little sad at the prospect of my stubborn silence of the past twenty-four hours. I don't think he likes it when I burden all my problems onto myself, and, really, I suppose Renna used to do that at some point' Except she took them out on other people, while I try and lock them all up until they explode out of me in a violent downwards spiral.

We talked. I explained to him how guilty I felt with everything that had happened with Leo " the Metal Man of the Glass Box. Kaius did not like it. I told him I forgave the Leo Metal Man, and I forgave him for being the one to put me in the Glass Box in the first place"

But, silently " I did not tell Kaius this, I felt, somewhere deep inside the heart of my love, that he would hate me for saying it, but' I am thankful for what has happened. I'm thankful for Renna's last desperate attempt of achieving a higher form of perfection " and I am so glad, that she failed doing so' Because I would not be here writing this, and I would not be here now, in my room, at the Mage House, and I never would had met Kaius"

So I told Kaius I forgave Leo the Metal Man, and I told Kaius after he saved me from submitting to the Manticore; therefore attacking Leo in the middle of the Inn....I told Kaius that I did not mean to avoid him. I told Kaius I needed time to think, and, I told him I had finally made up my mind, on what I wanted to do with this new-life.

Leo the Metal Man was right to put me in that Glass Box. Now I see that the only way I will ever live in peace and prevent the violent outbreaks of the Manticore is by imprisoning myself here in the walls of the Coven, and in the garden that Kaius has made for me.

But that was when Kaius, offered something I could never had imagined. He gave me an added alternative to my idea " a magical system forcing me to prevent my violent outbreaks by creating some kind of Restriction Spell, stopping me from harming the Coven and their house members.

It was brilliant!

It was such an amazing idea that even I did not even think about it! But then, I'm not exactly that intelligent enough to sort of think of something that complicated " even though I am sure, the recently deceased Betrayer would have already considered the outcome long before Kaius. Maybe even a way to pervert the spell, so that she could somehow turn the tables"

But anyway...

I am more than happy to allow these shackles to bind me so that no harm can come to Miranda, her family, or the members under her jurisdiction. If it means I can be ever more accepted than I will by all means bind myself to this spell and never look back in regret.

Though, the more I thought about it....The more I realised I don't just want this spell to just effect Coven members and Coven grounds alone" No....I want it to encompass everyone! What if the spell could be changed " warped, so that the spell prevents me EVER enacting a single act of violence ever again without dire consequences"

Kaius, naturally, looked furious. Or worried, at least' I don't think he liked my suggestion of editing the spell to those ends. He almost seemed concerned that people would take advantage of the spell, and harm me, while I am completely unable to do any harm back without enacting the deterring ways of the spell's effect.

But' Self-defence does not have to be violent, does it' I am almost positive I could defend myself by preventing harm onto others without angering the wrath of the spell's Restriction....Surely"

We could not finish the conversation - not really. For we were interrupted.

And, it was a pleasant interruption, by a boy named Doran' Dorian' Ah, I forgot his name" But his Father was Ebon. I think" The other man " I iknew his face for it was he, Kaius, and the Metal Man Leo who was present, the first time, I ever graced my eyes into this world fresh out of the Glass Box, just before the Manticore swallowed it up, and attacked"

I remember that day, and I remember that man's face.

I had to ask him a question " I had to ask him if he harboured the same hatred to me as that woman " Isuelt " or Issy " had done....I had to ask him, if he had the chance, would he kill me" Would he harm me for the things that I " SHE, had done"

His response mirrored Andu's from the other day'

Who I have treated so terribly' Ebon's response was as honest and warming as Andu's and, it just further harboured the guilt of my words, when I called Andu a liar just like Calix, that they both lied to me about who and what I was " I should had felt happy, at Ebon's response and I played up the appearance, that I did. But deep down, I felt like my heart had stopped.

I know I don't have many friends. I don't think I can call anyone a true friend" Kaius " he is not my friend; he's my heart, my control and I want to be his forever " even it means looking like a slave to him with the mark he gave me on my wrist; it is a binding far deeper than friendship....I can't call Kaius my friend " it would be an insult to our feelings for each other"

But, Andu" He continues to see me in such a good light, and he knows the monster inside and yet he, still, believes in me" And I said I hated him, and I said so many horrible things that my heart aches" I need to make it up to Andu? I can't live with this guilt. I want to be Andu's little bird again, and I want to stop crying every time I think about him.

This Dark One · Date: 2012-04-16 10:10 EST

17.4.XX

I summoned up the courage and spoke to Andu" It was a bit difficult to ask him to come with me and talk alone, especially with Calix and Wanda so close by; who were already talking to him. When we were alone and outside, I told him of my guilt, my despair over the terrible things I said to him, and about him. I tried to tell him how much he meant to me as a friend " but I kept stuttering, I kept drawing out the words and for a while I honestly thought I was going to well up in tears and run away"

But I didn't. I told him, in so many words, that he was my only real friend. Andu took what I said so well, he understood but he also, forgave me for my sin" In betraying the friendship we shared while I was still confused and unsure of myself, when we called me Little Bird. He offered to me gifts he kept just for me " a pair of tough leather gloves that could shape around my claws and actually allow me to touch my flowers without slicing them up into tiny bits, and a plushie of him " which was a bit weird, but then it is a cute doll, and very indestructible"

I tried to say I did not deserve them, and that I could not accept them but he just' His words were sincere and honest, and he asked me to forgive him for not being a better friend. My guilt was at a high, and I hugged him " I forgave him, and he forgave me. I felt so much better after confessing, it felt like a great weight was lifted off of my shoulders, and it felt like the air between us cleared.

It's hard, but' Confessing like that, it felt, right' Strange in that deep down I felt, almost liberated"

Anyway, the night went sort of smoothly. Calix said he forgave me " but, really, I still can bring myself to forgive him. He's such a" Liar, some times. I think when I am there he makes a point to' Try and make me jealous" I don't know, maybe my past emotions for him are just, souring a touch " but, when we're alone" It's almost like he's a completely different person. He's nice to me " but when around others it's like he" Especially other women"

I know I need to move on and focus on Kaius but it still gets me" Angry, you know" Calix fawning over other women in public " I don't do it in front of him with Kaius, do I" Or do I" Maybe I should stop judging him, and just judge myself. Maybe I'm just putting the blame on him for the guilt of?

I did get angry, thankfully Marshall and Andu were there to sort of keep my mind off going over there and b*tch slapping that pretty face off of Calix's shoulders.

Marshall's a nice man. I know he says he has got baggage but so do I. I think he might become a friend of mine, if things go well" He does seem to think I am his friend. I don't trust easily, these days, so maybe, just maybe I'll make another good friend just like Andu is to me. I can hope...

On a complete side note ? some evil b*stard took some of my white roses from the Coven Garden! What kind of sick, twisted person would ever dare to kill those poor defenceless souls when they were blatantly not ready to submit their bodies to the coffin of someone's bloody vase!!! I mean really! Someone in the Coven must have done it, and when I find out who...

I'll give them a piece of my mind!

This Dark One · Date: 2012-04-17 09:46 EST

18.4.XX

It's really early in the morning" And I do not know how Kaius can sleep so heavily. I don't think there's been a single morning when I have snuck out from the bed and woke him up. I might have disturbed his slumber once or twice, but he just tends to mumble and flop over to sleep on a different side" Which is kind of cute, I suppose.

So, I'm writing this half asleep, so I am not sure if I am going to make much sense " it takes time for my mind to kick into gear. Re-reading past entries does tend to help, though. And why have I got this overwhelming urge for cake. No, wait, scratch that, there's cake waiting for me in the kitchen.

It's a nice idea to have a little bit of scrap paper with things written on it to remind me of the things I would easily forget " like, for example I completely forgot there was cake in the kitchen at all, and apparently I have got to visit the garden today because one patch of the flowers seems to be wilting for some inexplicable reason'

Maybe the soil there is a little bit tainted" Maybe a touch too acidic" Or maybe a weed has grown amongst them. Damnable infiltrators! I'll upturn them out of the ground and smush them in my claws! They have no place in my space of tranquillity and refuge!

Anyway, calming down now, it's way too early to get too emotional.

So, I'm kind of? Watching Kaius sleep" We spent some time in the garden last night, mostly gazing at the beauty of his design " he did something, I can't quite remember what though, but petals seem to be? Falling from the sky, almost' I think. I'll have to go back and have a look later on and try and trigger my memory.

But I do remember being overwhelmed with a mixture of joy and sadness. And I do remember cuddling up to him, and falling asleep " ah, that would explain how I got home to bed. He probably carried me here" Or more than likely just threw me in one of the portals he makes, dumping me onto the bed.

I think that's all there is that needs to be said"

Ah, there is my fourth attempt of summoning the sword....I don't want to talk too much about it. Maybe just mention it so; in case I do forget, at least I can remind myself.

I left the city and went deep into the wilderness, and found a spot, very out of the way so that I could try and focus and manipulate my powers without the worry of harming anyone. I find it easy now to calm my mind than I ever did before. I can find a state that, kind of clears away everything, you know" I suppose you could call it meditation but, yeah, actually it does sound like that, doesn't it"

Not that I am trying to find enlightenment, or anything" It takes a lot of calm focus to manipulate the virus that make up this body; a body that the Manticore can change almost at will, while I am left struggling; forcing the change" Putting in a great deal of mental strain that actually puts me at risk of losing my mind to the Manticore's dominating persona.

So it is a risk, trying to control these powers. Every time I try to tap into this body's abilities, there is always a risk that I could accidentally allow the Manticore to take over and wreak havoc. That's why I train alone, far from anybody' So if it does happen" If the worst comes to the worst, then there's no one around to hurt.

So, anyway' Right now I can't physically change my body, not like the Manticore can. The best I can do is to grow and retract my wings " other than that' Nothing major" But I have practiced on manipulating something a little more malleable and a little bit easier to control. And that is my blood.

See" Even the evidence is here on these pages " it seems like, in terms of control, my blood is much easier to play with than the complex composition that is my flesh.

Not too long ago I demonstrated in front of Kaius just how my blood could be manipulated, and so, I created a sword that was made entirely of my blood.

And the sword itself was not litterelly made of blood, let me just clarify that here. Once I had constructed its shape I solidified the blood; mutating it into a similar basic molecular composition as my gauntlet's armour. It's pretty neat. I mean' I can hide the sword in plain sight " I don't need to carry it around and look even more threatening than I do now with these damn claws.

I did say it was easier to play with my blood " less mental strain and all that, but making something even as basic as a sword " right there and then, does take a bit of practice. It took me ten minutes to make it originally, and, the second time it took me about seven" The third time, about five minutes " it's all about trying to, you know" Make the sword form as quickly as possible, without causing too much strain on myself.

It's just good practice, really. I could use the sword to defend myself " I've swung it a few times; and boy is it HEAVY, but, the exercise is more about learning how I can better control my body and my mind, rather than just doing it for the sake of creating a weapon...

If that makes sense...

Whoa, I have rambled on way too much"

I think I'll leave it there for today.

Maybe I should wake up Kaius" Or maybe just nap a bit longer"

Yeah, nap it is.

This Dark One · Date: 2012-04-18 08:00 EST

(WARNING! THE FOLLOWING POST IS 18+! IT MAY BE UNSUITABLE FOR YOUNGER READERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

22/4/XX

A whole page was devoted to a single splatter of blood" It glowed, and pulsated, as if it had a heartbeat. For those that would touch it, their mind would be filled with a vivid scene, played out like a film in front of their eyes.

His strong, icy hands had come to lock about her throat, squeezing tightly; pressing the cold fingers to indent the hot flesh of her neck, searching for that recognisable gasp and hackled yelp of his little Pet Monster. Even though he worked to crush her windpipe shut, there was not a single expression upon his bold angular features. There was no sense of anger or hatred present in calculating eyes, as he gazed not upon the face of his Pet but at the terrified face of the brunette standing across the other side of his study room, in front of the door. "I have warned you, wench, and many others, that in my household, no one touches, caresses, or rewards my pet in any shape or form without my strict authorization, and blessing."

The maid shook her head, her mouth agape in terror, hazelnut coloured eyes wide as she watched her Master strangle the life out of Renna; and Renna" She was submissive to the torture. No, this was not a reprimand directed at Renna specifically " no, far from it. This was directed at none other than the maid herself. She was to blame for this. And the guilt washed in her voice, clearly, was evidence to that.

"I-I'm s-so s-sorry?" The maid shook her head, keeping her hands drawn close to her chin, unsure if she could move from her rooted position there at the door, watching the scene unfold.

"You are sorry now?" Von Gart muttered; a smile snaking across his features - vile and venomous, amused by the woman's hapless apology. His eyes dropped to Renna's face, observing how her lips turned a shade of blue, and how her blood red eyes had become bloodshot, and rolled up into her skull.

"P-please spare her-"

"Spare her" Tell me something, slave, would you slap a dog that has wronged its Master or would you hold it and pat its head, saying just how much of a good little dog it was" Would you?" There's a twisted smile now as he further observed how horrific the scene truly was. The way Renna's tongue hung out, the look of desperation as hackled cries merely spilt drool to slither out of the corner of her mouth. It was a pretty look for her" He's beginning to think he should do this often. His eyes snapped up, when the maid did not answer, "Well?" He barked angrily, "Would you?!"

The maid shook her head, fearful now that his ire would come down upon her. Fearful that those hands would find her throat, too. She took a step backwards, standing half in the room, half in the hallway, "No, Master" Please, spare her " it is my fault; I wronged you, not her! Spare her she's just a child!"

Von Gart's hands responding to the maid's plea only served to grasp ever tighter; seeking to find a satisfying snap to break Renna's neck. "You polluted her very essence with your silly lies and notions of compassion " this!" He shook Renna like a rag doll, his voice rising with an ever abhorrent tone of rage, "This, little pet is mine! And mine alone! If you so much as touch her again, this will be the result! I will do this to you! And I won't offer the same mercy " I'll strangle you to an inch of your life, and then, and only then would I break every bone in your body' Beginning with your pretty little toes!"

Utter disbelief washed over the maid. "All I did was-" Her words were cut short, when she saw just how violently he shook Renna. The maid quickly dashed forward, and curled trembling fingers to grasp around Von Gart's wrists, "Stop!" She screamed, "You'll break her neck!"

Release her he did.

But Von Gart's hands found the maid's throat; a powerful singular hand lifting the poor woman a whole foot clear from the floor, and now he throttled her instead. His face a picturesque state of calm, as his cruel words rolled from a hissing tongue, "Did you just, touch me?" He did not allow the grace to let her reply, he simply carried on talking. "I think you did. And to think, I was beginning to like you? You had such promise." His eyes turned to Renna, who had long since passed out from the lack of oxygen, "No, I don't think I'll kill you." He released her, allowing the maid to crumple to floor, gasping for breath.

Von Gart turned, and returned to his armchair. His fingers steeple to just in front of his face, his cold sapphire eyes settled onto both of them, as he smiled something sinister. ?" Show me just how much compassion you have." His grin faded as he spoke his last remaining words, ever so flatly, "....I shall give you a choice, because I am a fair man, who believes you should take control of your own fate. You have three choices."

The maid was ghost white, her features pale, as she struggled to return her breathing to a normal rhythm as the effects of her brief moment of strangulation subsided, and terror took its hold around her heart.

Sadistic, and cruel, Von Gart presented his choices. ?" You can either, firstly, dig out her eye " using your fingers " and then eat it, secondly, take my place and strangle her until she stops moving " Or finally' Undress her, and show me the depths of your depravity " abuse her, fuck her, make her bleed" Whatever you choose, you must show me just one thing." He leaned a touch forward, "Show me how much you enjoyed every moment of it. Make it believable, and if you cannot even do that....You die.?

A few short words were scrawled out on the very bottom of the page however, rushed and written in the common tongue.

Make it stop-make it stop-make it stop-make it stop-make it stop-make it stop-make it stop-make it stop-make it stop-make it stop!

Make it stop! Make it stop-make it stop!

(Many thanks to the player of Von Gart Bloodstone who helped write this. Wished you would play more often. <3)

This Dark One · Date: 2012-04-22 15:00 EST

(New post above, next posting currently being written!)

This Dark One · Date: 2012-05-16 11:06 EST

16/5/XX

So much has happened over the past few weeks....So many good things, and, a few bad. Even though the bad things are not entirely really that bad " oh, you know what I mean, right' It's been up and down. I'll explain.

First things first, the update on my....Relationship" Yeah, I suppose you could it call it that, now....Especially after we....I've read enough romance novels to know how the 'perfect' love scene is supposed to happen, and, in an ideal world, yes, those kinds of things could actually happen to somebody. You know what I'm talking about right' Romantic dinners, a stroll under a starry night, full mooned sky...

But, this is the real world. Things like that ain't supposed to happen....However, I suppose, it did for me. Yeah, I know, crazy right' Even I can't still believe it happened.

Kaius and I have slept in the same bed for a while now " it almost feels like a life time. He has always been at my side, and I don't think I could ever not think of him not being there, not curled around me; soothing me when I stir awake from my nightmares....

I have to admit, though, most of the time, I am not really sleeping....I just pretend. I just want to lure him to bed, and have him just....Be there. It's selfish. I know, it really is selfish, but....I want him all to myself. I just want his attention on me, and I just want to feel special, in his eyes. Not.....Not some shadow of a psychotic fallen self proclaimed Goddess...

Off track here, but....The first time we, did it....It was perfect. It was in the Secret Garden " on the ground there, curled amongst silks, watching the forever rainfall of angelic white coloured petals fall from the sky, only to repeat the loop, never to fall and touch the ground....He made me remember feelings, and sensations I never knew I had before. I didn't know my heart could beat that fast, or the breath leave my throat oh so quickly with each kiss in every nook of my body and...

I probably looked like some little animal to him. I did whimper a bit, I did....I told him I was happy; it's true, I was but....Knowing what has happened to this body since its creation, although, I wanted to enjoy it " I did, I really did, I wanted for us to be together like that " intertwined and writhing " I wanted it so bad, but still I cried because....Of what I know.

My dreams....They come from the Manticore, leaking through our psychic bond. Sporadic memories that the Manticore attempts to keep hidden from me. To prevent me from knowing the full extent of the truth of my past. To what end" I don't know....

But the terrible dreams from the dark place inside my head, almost have a purpose...

It is those dreams, and those memories, that made me cry a touch, in such a happy moment of my life.

That's, sort of one good/bad thing that happened to me the past few weeks.

Another good thing is, that I am going to be helping with the Rose Moon festival....Event' Not sure what it is, really, but what I do know it has one word in it that I can relate to. ROSE! So, I offered myself up to help decorate pretty much everything I can " and am allowed " to get my claws onto with my lovely white roses....I am breeding a specific red variety for the event, too, and that is taking up a lot of time.

I'm even opening up the Secret Garden to visitors, so that everyone can enjoy Kaius's hard work on such a beautiful shred of land on the Bristle Crios grounds. I mean, he made it just for me, and, I can't keep such a beautiful thing all to myself, all of the time....I'll grant people entrance for this event only, and that's it. I can't have people showing up after the event ruining my peace and quiet time, when I am attending to my flowers....I mean, it is my favourite pass time. All the more better when Kaius is there next to me, helping me out. Watching such a handsome man do gardening is kind of a....Heh....It's a little hot.

So look, that's just half of what I wanted to say, and record, so that I can finally write down these simple words, that I've always wanted to say.

I really, really love my life right now. I would not trade anything for it.

Especially my love.

This Dark One · Date: 2012-06-05 19:16 EST

05/06/XX

I haven't written anything down for a while....I was so busy with the Rose Moon event I just kind of lost track on things. As usual, a lot has happened....Let's start with, the other me...

The Manticore.

I've been able to control the Manticore much easier since the Restrict Spell was placed upon me, almost to the point where I could barely hear its whispers into my ear. It was nice, but, also, a little unnerving. The silence in my head, it just doesn't feel right " I'm used to having this thing, chatting away, making me want to do things " things I did not want to do....But it just disappeared. It's great don't get me wrong, it's nice to have a clear head, and actually think properly for once.

But there has been some relapses. I've awoken in strange places, as if I had been sleep walking " but I know the truth. When I am asleep, and at my most vulnerable, some times, the Manticore takes over my body. Fortunately, no one has died because of it, to my knowledge, but it is still a little worrying that it's now choosing to take over when I least expect it. Stranger still, I could had sworn I saw a...

Ghost"

No....It was like it was in the room....Red eyes....Female....It, it looked like me....But, then again, I do have a mirror hanging on the wall opposite the bed, so maybe it was just my own reflection....But I could had sworn I saw it, reading through the Black Tome....I could had sworn it, smiled at me...

Anyway. Rose Moon....

So I did it. I asked him.

Not much to say about it really.

It felt like a dream ? like it didn't happen....I don't feel any different for saying it, and I don't feel like I've....Lost or gained more love for Kaius after he said yes....I just expressed my feelings, and, well, it felt good to get it off of my chest, and it was perfect to do it in our garden, at the Rose Moon....I just wished he didn't announce it to the world like he did, it's very embarrassing.

I hope the next event is something else I can help with. I enjoyed opening the garden up for it. Maybe I could do something more different the next time....Like....Uh, I don't know....I'll think about it.

Oh Nemesis, I can't believe he said yes....He's insane to want to....With me....Ah, I'll talk more in the next entry, I think I am still in shock, to be honest.

This Dark One · Date: 2012-06-12 13:58 EST

12/6/XX

Although I should write of the happiness that has overwhelmed me as of late with mine and Kaius's engagement, there is something of a more pressing matter to note, and, although this tome is to be my diary, I also wish to include some results of experiments; much like the The Betrayer before me had done (of sorts), in her own black tome.

First off....Let me clarify something....More so to myself, than to anyone who might read this in the future....The Manticore is everything I have come to despise about the Betrayer. It isn't just her instinct; it's her darkness " her wanton desire for destruction and mutilation " the Manticore " is something, I know, I should resist.

I merely want peace, I merely want to live a normal life....I want to continue in this life knowing that a Garden awaits my care, and a man of whom I love entirely is there beside me to hold my hand, and remind what it means to be....Normal. And loved.

I know the Manticore is desperate to get out " it's there in my reflection, staring back at me " it's in my dreams searching to take over as I sleep; I know I should resist it, and with the aid of the Restriction spell, I was thus far successful at keeping it at bay....And I was sure, I could continue to do so.

But....It's tormented screams; the Manticore's very desire to be free and wreak its havoc and mayhem, they are....Now; to me anyway, they are mere whispers of a desperate soul searching to complete itself. To attain that purpose its very Instinct is based off of. To attain perfection. To become the one, final entity.

No longer did its idle threats serve to make me afraid of what I could become if I gave in to its desires. No longer did I feel the same passion to keep it shackled, for I had stopped the monster once and for all....No longer would there be death caused by my own two claws " no longer would the Manticore be able to upset my peaceful life. I won! I overcame the darkness everyone thought I could not contain!

I ought to had been happy - I ought to be happy, now, right"

Right"

" So, why wasn't I happy"

Day by day after the Rose Moon, the more I saw the Manticore in my reflection, the more I felt a sting against my heart. I felt....Sad. I felt....Pity...

I started to question myself and my actions....

Was the Restriction Spell, the right thing to do'

I know it places me at a tactical disadvantage when it comes to combat - even defending myself, but, if it prevented the Manticore from harming any innocents, so....So why' Why would I feel guilt for such a beast that mercilessly destroys innocent life"

On the night of 7/6/XX, while all logic told me that what I was about to do could release a hell like no other had ever seen before, my heart knew; it just knew that if I too could be redeemed for the sins of the Betrayer....Then, surely....SURELY, with my courage and my faith to be my guide, I too could help the Manticore find its redemption....

Perhaps, together " as one, we could find our Penance.

I am not so sure now, I had made the correct choice...

Time will tell.

This Dark One · Date: 2012-06-14 06:57 EST

14/6/XX

It appears it is going to be difficult to bring redemption to someone that simply does not want to try.

I forced her to go out and apologize to the Scathachian named Isuelt for attacking, and almost killing her. The same woman the Betrayer has wronged so many times in the past....The one, whose sister the Betrayer brutally murdered....Yeah. I asked for forgiveness, too from the Scathachian, and, well, I hoped the Manticore could bite the bullet just like I did, and not rise against the hatred Isuelt shows against our faces.

I thought she was strong enough to resist that woman's hate.

It didn't work....The Manticore merely fed off Isuelt's imperfection of distrust and resentment, and spurred the Manticore to attack....Thankfully the Restriction Spell knocked the Manticore out, before any damage could had been done.

I'm thankful as well Isuelt did not take advantage of the Manticore, in such a vulnerable position.

There has to be a way for her to realise that there is a way to be redeemed; I'm living proof of that. I'm getting married to Kaius, I live with others peacefully " the others....Oh, I hope I have not put any one else in jeopardy over my stupidly idiotic notions of....I know there is good in her.

She saved me from those two girls that called me....Mommy. Isn't that proof enough"

I'm not the Betrayer, and the Mantcore isn't either " regardless of what other people says she is. She might be the Betrayer's darkness, but she is not the Betrayer. She's the wounded one here, and I must heal her.

There has to be a way....Maybe I'm going about it all wrong"

The Manticore does not wander the Bristle Crios grounds freely " no, she's forever kept in the Secret Garden, out of the way of other Coven members. The last thing I need is one of the House Leaders discovering my little experiment....I don't think Miranda would take too kindly to it, either.

Best try and keep this whole thing under every one's noses. I don't wish to worry them.

Pathfinder seems to want to listen to me when I asked it to keep her contained there in the garden, lucky enough. I'm fortunate to have such a place. Despite the Manticore's darkness, she too shares an affinity with the white flowers that resemble our homeland.

The garden calms her, just like it does me.

I suppose, in some ways, we're very alike....Maybe, we could, you know, get to know each other better this way"

This Dark One · Date: 2012-06-15 10:17 EST

15/6/XX

I think Kaius might have had a heart attack if he saw what Manticore did to the Secret Garden....

We had a bit of a fight. Well, not so much, really....She struck out at me because I wasn't giving her the freedom I promised. She wants to leave the garden on her own free will, and not when I say, and, well....I suppose she's right. I did help her attain a body of her own; at the cost of a lot of blood might I add, and I did promise that she could roam as she pleased....I did say I would treat her like a human being and a sister, so, I suppose I need to let her go and, well....I....Well....She is right.

I need to stop worrying about silly little what 'ifs' and 'what could happens' " I just need to, let her go and find her own way....Of course, I'll be keeping an eye on her " our minds are still two halves of the greater whole, so we can never truly escape each other's sight, regardless of how far away my darker twin is from me.

After much arguing, I agreed that I would ask Pathfinder to loosen up the security on the Secret Garden, so that Manticore could indeed leave on her own terms....But NOT into the Bristle Crois's area. I still would much rather Manticore never setting foot in the grounds until she's learnt to better restrain herself...

Which was why I brought up the subject of a hobby again. I thought maybe she needs something to keep her mind distracted from her vile instincts that continuously simmer under her skin, threatening to boil over at the drop of a hat.

She's not good with flowers. That much is clear....Those poor roses " thank Nemesis that I fixed the damage Manticore had done to the garden before Kaius found out....I'm sure Kaius would had punished the Manticore, for harming my precious little darlings....I should had punished her myself, but, I can't really bring myself to shout at her. In some, strange way, I find her heavy handed methods kind of cute.

We talked about what she was good at....She said changing things....Which, well, is abundantly clear....She explained to me she could change so many things into something far more useful and....Well, I don't really want to talk about it, but, it involved devouring a couple of hundred people, twisting their DNA, re-arranging their code so that...

In some messed up way, I kind of enjoyed the conversation....Not the deaths, mind you. Just the theory. I loved the theory behind it...

Anyway, side tracked again " so, I basically suggested, why not something creative " something that's been around since the day humans stood up and started to think inventively...

I did mention to the Manticore yesterday that I was talking to Kruger not too long ago; and the fact that he works at his own forge, could possibly be something that she would be interested in. She sort of....Ignored it. Said her creations were more perfect than anything a mere mortal could create.

" It's true, I can't lie. She's much better at the mastery of our shared power, but....I explained, some times, doing things the hard way; the more labour intensive way, could generally could gain better results. Not to mention the sense of satisfaction of making something with your own two hands...

I suppose it is the same feeling I get when I see my flowers growing from little saplings to full bloomed roses.

Strangely, after I mentioned my own feelings, she sort of....Suddenly agreed to try it out! But then, did sort of mention if Kruger got on her nerves in any shape or form, she would forge him something to stick up his ass...

Nemesis, I beg of you, please, please, please....Please, I'm praying for her to at least have some kind of....Patience with this....And mostly the last part of what she said to never happen. I don't think I can explain to the House Leader of Warrior House why Kruger would be walking funny for the next few weeks...

This Dark One · Date: 2012-06-17 06:01 EST

17/6/XX

Why is it every time I try to bake something other than my white chocolate chip rose cookies I end up burning it"! I swear the oven was on the right temperature, and I timed it so that my egg timer went off every ten minutes so it reminded me to check the damned pie! I mean, honestly, there's something wrong with this oven " no, NO, I didn't put on the grill by accident " it's definitely on the oven setting, for sure!!!

I am going to bake Kaius this steak and ale pie, and so help me anyone who gets in my way this morning! I might just....Just....FROWN really, really hard at them, or stare at them " yeah, I'll STARE them down and....And! And, probably, apologize for being such a sour-puss....I shouldn't take out my frustrations on others " but I wish I could! I really wished, some times!

Speaking of problems, I ran into that man....What's his name" I forget....He's....Well, basically, he was sort of there when Manticore saved a dog from a couple of kids some months back, and took it to the Inn for help. I remember regaining control of my body, just at the moment when the man " he's kind of young, kind of handsome....What's his name"!

Why do I keep forgetting so easily' It's annoying the hell out of me.

Anyway, this guy, I saw him in the Inn, and I sort of told him to say 'Hi' to the dog for me. He was such a cute thing....The dog that is. Not the man. He's got nothing on Kaius....I mean. Kaius has lovely hair, and a pretty smile....This guy had short, kinda messy looking hair, and kind of, kept frowning " you know, the look people always give me" He did that quite a bit, or tried to hide it with a smile or two.

That look, I really hate it. The...."That's The Betrayer, she's up to something, don't breathe or she'll try to kill you," kind of look.

Anyway! He accepted my gift of flowers ? since he was nice enough to look after the dog Manticore saved, and told me to deliver his order of my Rosa Gigantea hybrids to his home, so I'll be delivering it tomorrow, personally.

Annoyingly, I got the same look from the Governor, as well....But from what I understand, I think she is as much as resentful of me as Isuelt, and....Well, a huge number of other people, since, from what I understand from Manticore and the Black Tome, The Betrayer and her have had a few run-ins, in the past.

I don't blame her, really. It's just....Hard to take the blame. I had nothing to do with those things at all. Regardless, she seemed kind of pleasant, and we did talk briefly. Hopefully I won her over, I tried to be as kind and polite as possible, but....Well...

Some times, people put on a face, just to satisfy you, while secretly, they're spitting on your grave.

I hate people like that.

This Dark One · Date: 2012-06-19 10:17 EST

19/6/XX

I wish people could just understand...

I've been talking with a few friends of mine. One of them is named Darius, and my other friend who has been so very nice to me, is a big octopus alien thing by the name of Nalar " he likes to talk in people's heads, and says he's some kind of, big....Crazy inducing monster. But I think he's just cute...

And he can change his size. It's really quite cool...

Anyway.

We talked, about a lot of things....More so, about my feelings about what had happened early yesterday morning...

I was at my flower stall, like I usually am in the mornings, and, well, this little girl came up to me, and I offered her a cookie " one of my white chocolate rose cookies, and, I was being friendly, and I was smiling and everything. The kid was smiling too....So I just, can't, understand why her Mother would come running up to her, and scoop her away from me, like I was some kind of....Predator, stalking an unknowing little lamb...

She slapped me, and told me to keep away from her child.

I was hurt, but I understood. Most of the civilians have an irrational fear of me, because they think I am the Betrayer. Well....I'm sure you know how I feel about that by now, I do tend to go on about it quite a bit in this journal.

I didn't mind the slap; I didn't mind the mean things the woman said, but....That kid" She didn't know who I was, and she didn't fear me at all. It was so nice to see that....

Hopefully, when the next generation of the city's inhabitants grow up, they too will be like that little girl. They'll just regard me as....A normal human being. A part of their community...

" I was content with that hope, and I told myself that it would one day come true.

But then, she, appeared...

It was like she was watching me the whole time....She must had saw the whole thing. Because she told me, I deserved, so much more...

I don't know, what happened next, but I could not sit idly by and let this woman continue to slander me. I tried to make amends with Isuelt " I offered her the chance to take retribution for the things the Betrayer had done to her and she refused to lay a finger upon me. I thought....I generally thought that she may had taken the step down the path of, allowing me to attain my penance...

I was a fool to think, that someone so touched by the Betrayer's hatred; infected by its vile disease, could easily put aside her differences, and not look at this face as her fallen enemy, but as a new life, a different person " a GOOD, person...

But she kept on....She....She told me I was vile...

And....Evil...

And terrible...

The look in her eyes " it was more intense than anything I have ever seen before, it was....It was like I was staring into the eyes of....Death, itself....And....

"

What's the point....In any of this...

Darius....Tried to cheer me up....Told me, I needed to fight, battle on...

Nalar....He tried to cheer me up....Told me I should....Remove, Isuelt, out of the picture...

Out of the picture...

No. I'm not, evil. I'm not....Vile...

Vile.

EVIL.

A liar!

Even though Kaius took me home that evening " even though I smiled at him, and pretended nothing had happened - deep down her words continued to fester and consume my every breath with fear and...

What if she's right' What if I am evil....What if, I'm not even real" Maybe the Manticore " maybe she too is a part of a plot neither of us could ever possibly imagine " it's maddening to think about it " it makes me want to laugh and cry all at the same time " it's hopeless " even when I made love to Kaius that night all I could do was LIE to him.

I LIED to him!

I LIED to the only person in this dark world who actually gives a damn thing about me!

I didn't enjoy the moment our body's were entwined at all yesturday " all I could think about, was how disgusting I was, how I deserved something much more than a slap " how I didn't deserve to have Kaius or his love. How I deserved to be punished " maybe that's what I should do' Maybe I should push for Penance through, punishing myself...

It's inside my head and I want it to go away " I want Isuelt to get out of my head! Please, forgive me, Isuelt, for what she has done to you!

I haven't done any thing to you!

I....I don't know what I must do " what I must do to prove to you and the city that I am....That, I am....

I am at....At the end....I can't take much more of this, hatred...

I just want to, disappear.

This Dark One · Date: 2012-06-21 10:49 EST

21/6/XX

I must, be strong.

I must, be stronger.

I can't keep crying like this....I'll make Kaius only worry.

I will not, listen to what people say....I won't.

I'll try.

I'm going to be happy. I keep telling myself. I'm going to be happy, and, nothing bad will ever happen, if I keep on smiling.

I need to believe in what I am doing, I need to believe in myself. I can do it " we can, do it.

If there's someone who knows my misery, someone who can help me, its Manticore...

I've only realised now, apart, we're weak....Pathetic. But together" I don't think any thing in this world can stop us.

I'll walk on, with my chin up high, and if I ever begin to doubt myself again, I'll run to Kaius....He'll make it all go away....

This Dark One · Date: 2012-06-27 18:10 EST

27/6/XX

I don't understand why people just can't leave me alone.

Look this journal has been far too depressing recently. Time for something to look forward to!

That's right! Getting married to the love of my life " to the only person in this world that understands me and loves me for what I am, and not what people remember this body as!

" So how do you get married"

I know there was ring involved " I did that, so now I have to wait, or something" Right' There's some kind of ceremony involved " is it a ritual" Do I need to sacrifice something or do I need to obtain some kind of artefact and offer that up in the ceremony, so that it can be recognised that my family name can be changed to Kaius's" Ah, I don't know how this thing works " rings, vows " ceremonies " what the hell do I do"

I know The Betrayer was married....Well....Twice now, from what Manticore can remember. The first time was to....To him. The Bloodstone....The second was to some woman " someone called Arky....Or Arkhaze....Or something " but that was a political marriage, of some type. But there was no ceremony in either case " none the Manticore can tell.

I'll have to look into it....I wish I knew someone who has been married and done this all before....Maybe I should ask one of the House Members" I don't want to " I kind of want to avoid other members....For now. It's for the best " for the best of the group, since I still don't trust myself around other people, too much.

Ah what to do, what to do!

I might just go insane just thinking about it!

This Dark One · Date: 2012-07-02 07:02 EST

02/07/XX

Today, I went shopping for myself. That's right! I went shopping all by myself " well not really, Khaw was there, but I needed an opinion on a few things. I did originally wanted Kaius to come along with me, but then I thought, it might ruin a few surprises I have been wanting to keep from him. One such surprise"

My swimsuit. We haven't been swimming together, and to be perfectly honest, I'm afraid swimming in the ocean, so I'll just settle for a pool. I'm sure there is one somewhere in the city. I wonder if there is one in the Coven" I never really looked before. But if there is" It might be kinda a good idea to try and see if me and Kaius could go along and play about in there.

Wait, I don't mean, play....Play, you know" I mean, play as in, childish games and....Volleyball or water polo " or something.

Oh Nemesis, I suddenly got all these wrong ideas in my head...

I've gotta stop thinking about Kaius in such a way. I mean....Well it's his fault for being so damn handsome in the first place. GR!

This Dark One · Date: 2012-08-11 05:12 EST

10/8/12

I've become accustomed to a normal life, now. It's funny " I've got a routine. Every day is the same, where nothing bad has really happened to me since....Well, weeks now! Which is kind of why I have yet to pick up this journal and write anything....Substantial, you know" I just haven't done anything, or have anything to report, really...

Well, I do. Kind of.

Although I've been occupied with the shop, it's completed, refurbished and all, but I still have yet to reopen it. I'm still a little unsure about myself and my abilities in running it. Ever since the event when that Issy woman attacked me....I....I've kind of left the stall to Khaw's more than capable claws....I just don't want to run into her again, because....Her conviction in her hatred towards my face is incurable, and I have to live with that fact...

But I just can't deal with it, so I'll just avoid her.

Me and Manticore....We've been trying to get along, but it is hard, when we're both complete opposites of each other. But we do have the love of flowers in common, and she really does try to help out. But, to be honest, I think my clumsiness has sort of branched out into her persona too, as she's quite....Uh, heavy handed....

Take the eighteen smashed pots for example....She doesn't know her own strength, and while I tell her it's fine " I really don't mind if it was an accident, she refuses to listen, and actively seeks to try and repair what she broken, and create something that looked nothing like the original.

She told me quite honestly, for once, while she is happy that I gave her a body to walk around in, she has still not quite forgiven me for restricting her desire to sow violence and destruction. Of course, I made my point again, that we both can attain penance for the sins of our creator, and that we can live a normal happy life without the need for violence....But then she told me something that has since made me think, that maybe, what I had done to her, was the wrong method of control.

I know I forced it upon her " us, and I know she will never forgive me for it, but....She said, if she took away my ability to create wonderful flowers " something I adore and love doing so very much, preventing partaking in that act ever again, how....Would I feel about it"

My first thought " my first emotion, was sadness. The idea....It was just so heartbreaking....To imprison that which is bred into my very existence " to create life, and....To preserve it....To love, and share that love....I have sought to preserve peace and life since I become independent from our collected existence, by controlling my Sister, and her dark, murderous instinct, but I see now, that....Regardless of what I think is right, and wrong...

I had no right to deny Manticore, her purpose in life. To destroy, to devour and change....And, I might be labelled as the villain in her eyes, but, if I must become a villain, to protect so many people then....

Then so be it.

Manticore · Date: 2012-09-24 05:11 EST

24/9/12

It has been suggested by Renna, that I record my thoughts. So that we could better understand each other.

So we can be better....Acquainted...

Whatever.

I've watched from the Garden, and witnessed through your eyes the torment that these people bring you. Your pursuit for Penance....It only feeds my lust for vengeance. And while I nurture these dark feelings that bleeds from your innocence and into my soul, I toil and revel in the hatred. It makes me smile...

Isuelt " the Scathachian, oh I remember every battle fought, every scar that The Betrayer inflicted upon her....I remember The Betrayer's fond memories, in relishing the acts of violence and mind games upon that woman....Oh, how I enjoy reliving such wonderful times, each and every night, within the Secret Garden...

Pulling petals from the dying flowers that needed to be plucked...

Biting off the heads, chewing....Spitting them out...

I was so close, too, from biting that woman's head clean off. I remember chasing her through the city " I remember it so well and you poor, little Renna" Cannot....But that is where we differ, I suppose....You throw all of the negatives onto me. I attain all of your anger, all of your hatred, all of your despair and memories...

You're such a scared child.

If I had my way, if this damn spell was not placed upon me....I would had hunted down that Isuelt by now, and subjected her to the same torture The Betrayer lovingly bestowed upon her sweet little Lexia. But no....I'm trapped. Chained. A mere sheathed weapon " the irony of it all....Isn't it ironic, little Renna"

You " Renna, you sought to lead your own peaceful life without harming, without causing violence, but yet you still oppress and shackle me to a Garden....And abuse me as a weapon, to bring vengeance upon those who deserve it. Those who cannot be redeemed. You're a hypocritical little girl, and best of all...

You're a liar...

It's only a matter of time. I'll feed off their hatred. It will make me stronger. It will make me wilder. Madder....Eventually, you will snap under the strain of their judgemental vices. You will release me eventually, and then, you will see how Imperfect they all truly are...

When I devour their flesh, their bones....Their souls.

Manticore · Date: 2012-10-14 06:14 EST

14/10/XX

I find it quite amusing that, every instance you experience " every sight, every smell, becomes a part of me. I can be in two places at once " using you as a conduit of information. That was how I knew Edward Batten was in the Marketplace yesterday. You smelt him, but you chose to ignore him " you know damn well who he is, and what he has done....But you chose to ignore him....You know you could never forgive him for bringing us into this world. You blame him for the deaths that were caused by my hungry maws.

You hate him....But I" I, have stronger, darker feelings for that man.

I could not ignore his scent.

Your emotions translates differently for me. That hatred and fear of him, it transforms into lust and obsession " I simply had to make myself known to him. I simply had to play with him " touch him, kiss him....Exchange our acidic words of threats and promises, of intelligence and insanity...

But for him to say that I am half the woman you are" Technically....He is right. I am half the woman of a greater whole " but know this, Renna. I am the better half. Of our shared existence, I am the strongest, the fastest and most intelligent and you know it. You can barely contain your memories as it is, and my influence over you " regardless of this Magical Ward, it almost tipped you over the edge, didn't it"

You wanted to kill that man. And Andu....And Arthour. You wanted me to help you. You wanted an escape from that situation, didn't you?

There is no use denying it, Renna. After all....I am you.

This Dark One · Date: 2012-10-15 14:39 EST

15/10/XX

Manticore has been really persistent in trying my patience lately. I know she is just trying to get to me; to try and get a reaction out of me, but, recently....She's hit me twice now in the last two weeks, and practically threatened a bunch of other people a long the way...

And yes, Manticore, I know you're stronger than me. But that is just a physical aspect. You'll never be able to be stronger than me when it comes to the matter of the heart. But I am sure some day you will come around to my way of thinking...

It'll take time, but you can change.

Just, keep trying, and listen to my advice, okay' I know you can do it.

And stop drawing obscene doodles in my diary! Honestly....Such a child!

ANYWAY...

Andu and I got talking about wedding stuff! And he kinda made me rethink my ideas for it. I'll have to run it by Kaius some time, but I think I'll have to make it a....Semi-public wedding" Originally I just wanted it private....Cause, well....The obvious.

But, Andu kind of made me realise that there are people who would actually show up. Like....Brian....Maybe even some of the Bristle Crios members....Heck, Arthour too, I think. He's a new friend of mine. I think we're friends....But he's such a nice man! Pretty powerful too....Oh, sorry went off topic. There's Marshall Marshall....There's a few more....Maybe even, Katt'

Maybe.

She gave me a dress recently. I don't know why though. But it was really nice of her, and, well....Maybe I'm winning her around" I mean, I know The Betrayer did a lot of terrible things to her....I've read the report in the diary....The Shadow Virus ? it's not pretty....But, if she's got past the idea that I am not that woman, then....Hopefully...

Issy, might one day, treat me normally' I can hope.

This Dark One · Date: 2012-10-21 05:18 EST

21/10/XX

I keep seeing strange visions.

It's nothing like what used to happen when Manticore took over my body. It's like....I'm seeing through someone else's eyes. Someone I don't know....But it's not just one set of eyes....It is like many' I can't possibly describe the feeling, but, each vision has me in it....Like from a different angle. They call it an "out of body experience," but, it's nothing like that at all " I'm seeing through the eyes of other people " but, not just any one.

The vision is also close to the ground, as if from a small figure....A child, maybe?

I don't know....But I got this feeling someone has been watching me, for quite some time now.

This feeling....It scares me...

It feels just like that day when those two children tried to....Called me....Mother...

But I have to make deliveries....So I have to leave the Coven at some point....I just wished this feeling would go away...

Maybe if I ignore it, it'll go away"

Manticore · Date: 2012-10-28 05:17 EST

28/10/XX

It's been one week since Renna has been taken by those inferior and obsolete specimens, the Black Flame.

Their success only proves to cloud their judgement. They still act upon the silly and self-destructive ideals of the Betrayer; they attempt to play mind games with those that she loves, by sending them various body parts. They even made one of Renna's little miscreant so-called friend "Arthour" choose which part of Renna they will get next.

The discussion we had about Arthour's decision....Was heated at best. I wanted to tare his throat " is he stupid" If he was her friend, then why the hell would he willingly go along with their little charade" They're not just torturing her. They're torturing her friends, too.

They're making an example out of them.

The Black Flame must think they're untouchable.

"

My feelings, have been getting the better of me recently. If Renna dies at their hands, then I too die along with her. If only that link was restored. Then, I could take control of Renna's body, and force an escape...

There has to be some way....

The link between us is still somewhat active to some degree; I am still receiving Renna's negative emotions and mere snippets of visions through her eyes....Eye....Whatever kind of Virus they used on her to damage our connection, it seems, to be wearing off...

Time is of the essence. I can't just wait here and hope Renna's body combats this damnable obstacle. If I wait too long, they might just get what they want ? and I can guess why they've kept her alive thus far. They want either me to come running to them, and capture me as well, or....They plan to use her power for something far more sinister...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not worried about her.

I'm not.

I hate her.

I'm glad she suffers.

I'll wait long enough so that she gets what she deserves, and then save what is left.

More annoyingly, I have to attend this damn festival tomorrow in her place for this stupid Bobbing For Apples and cider, pumpkin wine thing....

Urgh.

Maybe saving her sooner isn't such a bad idea. Then at least I won't have to smile and pretend I actually care about her damn flowers or this damn Coven of people she has come to call a family.

Manticore · Date: 2012-11-09 12:42 EST

09/11/XX

Marshall...

Arthour...

Those friends of hers....While we formulate our idea into separate plans to save her, I find myself....Thrilled. Will I soon be able to tare at flesh and bite at guts again? Will I be allowed to rip apart those poor imitations and bathe in their blood" Can I dance in the bloodied heart beaten spray of their decapitations"!

Marshall plans to capture one of them, and interrogate them. Heh....The fool. But I think I know that Primal has his ways of making his victims spill their secrets. The man is as dark and as twisted as I....Maybe that is why I find myself strangely attracted to him...

Dangerous men. I can't help myself around them....I want them all to myself. I want to hold them, cuddle them....Make savage love to them before I stab them in the back....And devour them. A pity really, that Marshall is not as stupid " or weak for that matter " to end up, like so many in the past...

Arthour and I have plans too. But that plan is a mere waiting game. We must wait until the link between Renna and myself is completely restored. A risky idea, but it is the best we got, other than Marshall's attempt.

In the mean time. I still pose as Renna. I still pretend to be her. I wonder if Kaius has noticed" He hasn't so much as questioned it, and rarely comes to their - I mean, our....Bedroom....What's so special about that weakling part, anyhow" Why doesn't Kaius make love to me like he did with her, huh' Or maybe....Just maybe....He has noticed...

Impossible. He would had confronted me by now....But then again...

Of course he has noticed.

He's a part of our link.

So why the hell is he not....Saying anything about it"

Or doing anything, for that matter?

Heh.

Maybe he doesn't care about her, after all. Maybe he has already found some other woman to cuddle and protect over...

Oh, I wish that is true.

When Renna returns, once we save her, I wonder what face she will make when she sees her lover in the arms of another woman...

Delicious!

This Dark One · Date: 2013-01-03 09:45 EST

3/01/XX

It has been some time since I have written anything here. Admittedly, I have sat at my desk many times since I was rescued; often alone in my room, trying to force myself to write down my thoughts and feelings....To share my current experiences with something " anything that won't criticize or judge me, and while I know I have friends I can rely to lend an ear" I can't express to them, just how I truly felt, and just how I gave myself into the innate Evil that festers inside of me"

I can't talk any more. Nor can I hear the voices of others " not even my own incoherent, tongue-less babble. I now live in a dark world where it is quiet and where my lips form words in silence. But I am thankful at the very least, that I have one eye left to see. If I hadn't, I would have begged my rescuers to have ended my miserable existence right there and then, rather than allow me to live blind to three differing senses.

But all that is over with. I don't want to remember what happened to me. I don't want to remember the torture. The pain" The agony' The despair....

The death of the only one who could ever understand me"

When I was kidnapped and subjected to the torture wrought by my shameful, blood soaked past " the spawn of my villainy and the progeny of my mistakes; wrought by my own flesh and blood" My Evil made flesh....They forced me to recognise the Evil within my heart " they forced me to react! They forced me to become a twisted Monster that was made of the very stuff of the rumours of those who doubted my good nature.

Like those Scathachians! Those heartless barbaric women; those justice mongering murderers " how dare they doubt my sincerity, when I was trying to make a living for myself " to be a good woman; to become a good person. They would never give me a second chance! They looked at me like filth. I could see it in their eyes they just wanted me dead and buried.

Just like my kidnappers " they could not see past this face.

The face of a woman that had DIED! Why could they not understand that!" How can they not look beyond this flesh and see me for who I wanted to be! I am not the woman that caused all those deaths " I AM NOT the woman who ruined countless lives, just for the fun of it! I am not the woman that made Isuelt's sister into that thing that called itself The Shadow!

" Or, was I" For when they took my tongue and my eye; all that hatred " all of my shame" It just did not matter anymore. I became numb. And I enjoyed my attempt of an escape. Any of them that got in my way I cut them down without hesitation and I feasted upon their flesh' And you know what? I fu*king enjoyed it! Even when they finally restrained me " I laughed and tore out at them all the way, until I fell unconscious.

But when Manticore and Kaius came to my rescue; and she died to save both me and him, it all just clicked into place. The walls that separated our minds collapsed with her death, and my memories returned in full, along with my powers.

I remember every detail " every deed, every emotion and desire that even The Betrayer once felt " no' No, let me rephrase that. What, I, once felt. Because I am The Betrayer and there is no escaping it, now. I am born to destroy, devour, and to ruin. I accept that.

I accept my fate. I know what I must do.

I return to my home realm tonight. I have a meeting with my former Master, Bloodstone Von Gart.

Which reminds me, I need to pick out a dress for the Winter Formal next week" I need to make an appearance.

This Dark One · Date: 2013-01-04 13:45 EST

04/01/XX

I write as I approach the manor house of my former Master, Bloodstone Von Gart' And as I figured, the building is practically falling apart, and is quite gothic in its appearance. It is almost laughable at how clich' the old man can be. The stained glass windows that ought to belong to some religious structure; the unkempt courtyard beyond a ruined stone wall and even down to the feral black furred hell-hounds following close upon the heels of my carriage, as if escorting me to its Master's door"

As if he was expecting me.

Before this meeting, I thought I ought to extend on my previous entry. I left it quite vague on recent events. So I best rectify that mistake, before I meet up with that bloodsucking leech in but a few minutes time.

It is hard to control myself, these days. If something scares me" I hardly shy from it, now. I try to pretend to " don't get me wrong there is a part of me that wants to, but, now the urge to pounce upon the threat and rip it apart' It is those very images that spur a differing reaction than what some people in the city of Rhy"Din ought to believe and expect from me. I best keep up my fa"ade as best I can.

In other news, regarding my recent experiments"

Crowe attacked people in the Inn that one night not too far back last month. I don't know what had happened to Crowe " or why he generated this new found aggression which I hardly expected from such a gentle creature; but from what I understood from Arthour was that he was infected with some kind of Virus that affected his mind and body.

I suggested subtly, that I could help Crowe. I pretended to dislike the idea but; the fact is, I wanted nothing more than to discover the effects that the Manticore Virus can do over other species I have yet to experiment upon and, just what it could do against other Viruses.

Kaius was the unintentional first victim of such an experiment. But Kaius learnt to control the Virus " his special circumstances involving his powerful mystical elements had transformed and mutated the Virus to his own ends" Granted, I didn't exactly force much a resistance against it. I care too much for Kaius" The last thing I wanted was to transform him into a mockery of a Monster.

With Crowe, however" My own friend" I knew if I infected him with the Manticore Virus, then it would neutralize whatever the Virus was doing to Crowe, but at the same time I would secretly warp his genetic makeup " much like the previous Viral agents of the past; Vindicator, Sister and Shadow, to force perfection and to make him genetically closer to my own.

I wanted to see if it could work upon Anthropomorphic just as well as human, elven, fae, and infernal creatures" And it did. It worked. I infected Crowe successfully, and now" He is a part of my little family of hidden experiments.

I made him into a Monster. Just, like me"

Arthour blames himself for what I did to Crowe, and, I admit' To lie to my friends, it does indeed hurt me. I feel guilt for what I have done. Manipulating Arthour's emotions like that " making him think he forced me to do it' Is it that easy"

Is it really that easy to lie, and to betray those you care for and love"

I did it to save Crowe from his madness. Yet, now, he has entered into a realm full of my own madness " my own insanity. He has become closer to me and one step closer to perfection.

I will study him over the coming months to see how well he copes with the hunger for flesh, sanity, and aggression. Even if he is a friend, I must treat him partially, like a subject of the past.

Just like Katt.

Katt' She gave me a present. A stuffed toy that is immune to my claws. A thing I could cuddle at night when I sleep, that won't tare into pieces. It was, really too sweet of her. I don't know if she was taking pity on me for my recent injuries or, she was trying to' Build a bridge" I don't know. She still stiffens whenever she sees me. She still doesn't look at me like Arthour, or Crowe" Or even Andu"

To think I am experimenting upon Crowe just like I did with Katt' But, as far as any one knows, I merely helped Crowe overcome an obstacle. Surely people must not have realized I did it also out of my own selfish reasons" When I return home this afternoon, I shall attempt a conversation with her. Perhaps return her gesture, with something of my own.

I've ranted too much on this entry, and the carriage just stopped at the door. I must send word to my sleeping Black Monks back in Rhy?Din to commence with the salvage operation of the Black Flame Headquarters. If pieces of that Crystal Tree have survived the blast, then I want them in my possession. A single shard of that thing could possibly become a threat, in the future.

This Dark One · Date: 2013-01-14 12:57 EST

14/01/XX

The meeting with Von Gart was....Interesting, to say the least. I will outline the details of that little endeavour some other time " I may magically memory stamp it into this journal while the conversation is still fresh in my mind. I have something somewhat more important to note.

The excavation of the Black Flame's headquarters as was done by my Monks a few days ago has indeed revealed several Crystal Tree shards that survived the explosion. Unfortunately, most of which were without life. They are now useless decorations to me.

But to leave these crystals shards laying about for anyone to pick up, certainly would had proven to be bothersome mistake if someone discovered its effects upon my body. I could not afford the chance that one of my enemies would stumble upon them, and use them against me, so I had them destroyed.

However, the real prize of my minions efforts came in the guise of a broken body that was dug up from the rubble. And who was it to be? Why! It was none other than my traitorous daughter, Henrietta, of course....She who took my eye....My voice. My ability to hear....She who ruined my peaceful life....Who made me see that I will never, ever live like a normal person....She made me see I was indeed a Monster. And now? Her body is in my possession.

It is ironic, isn't it' I must admit I laughed quite hard when they dragged her mangled body into the apartment above my shop. To think her body survived such intense energies when the Crystal Tree erupted the very fabric of the Nexus....It appears my ability to survive even the most deadliest of circumstances, and defy death itself, has been passed down onto her....

I don't know, if I should be proud of that.

I considered disposing her body while it barely clung to life. To put her out of her misery. But I could not bring myself to do it. I can't help but want to help her; even though she betrayed me, tortured me. Almost killed me....Instead of giving her death, I shall give her the one thing I have ever done right.

I shall give her life.

This Dark One · Date: 2013-01-29 13:19 EST

29/01/XX

It has been some time since I have written here, but my claws have been busy with the reconstruction of May's bio-exoskeletal form. I have enclosed some notes on the structure, including a diagram at the end of this entry for future reference.

In a similar fashion to how I weaponized that Scathachian Lexia into the Shadow Virus, I am going to save May's life by transitioning her damaged flesh into machine. It is however proving to be greatly difficult. Unlike the case with Lexia, at least fifty-five percent of May's body has been vaporized, including various vital organs. She has also lost a lot of blood and the wounds are proving difficult to heal because of this. Even my Manticore Virus is struggling to repair her.

It will not be long before I loose her completely....I cannot let that happen.

My desperation is getting worse. I have borrowed some supplies from the Mage House " minor alchemy items that I will return as soon as May is healthy again.

...

I'm getting so desperate. I've given up so much of my blood to sustain my daughter, but her hunger is frightening. She would drink me dry given the chance....

...

I feel weak. Tired all the time. But I can't stop. I will save her.

...While her body's condition does concern me somewhat, what truly has me worried is the condition of her heart. The Manticore Virus has detected crystalline fragments within the muscle itself, obviously shrapnel from the blast when the tree went haywire and destroyed itself....I can't remove them....I can't risk causing further damage.

...I am tempted to replace the limbs and organs from the cadavers of....late teenage girls about her age, weight and height. Under normal circumstances I would not have a problem acquiring these parts myself, but due to my current circumstance involving my coexistence with Bristle Crios coven and the Mage House, I may need to think of another way to procure the items I need....They need to be fresh.

Alive if possible.

If I need to sacrifice two of them for her then I will gladly....Do what needs to be done.

I can't let them find out. They'll hate me for what I am trying to do.

" There's a man that likes to hang out at night about the Marketplace. I've noticed him before. He has walked past my shop a few times....Seems like he is looking for someone.

Maybe I could tempt him' I need a break, and May needs a greater supply of human blood to feed her than what I can provide from myself....Yes.

My Restriction Spell prevents me from causing deadly force directly, but it does not seem to react when I am guiding someone to their doom.

No one will miss him.

No one will suspect it was me.

I return to my homeland tomorrow, to attempt to meet with Von Gart again. Hopefully he will not send me away like he did the last time....Apparently I need to 'arrange an appointment with him' if I need to speak to the likes of him.

I hate that man so much.

This Dark One · Date: 2013-02-03 04:34 EST

(The following journal entry joins two threads that run along side each other involving May's reconstruction which has only been hinted at and vaguely explained in the these journal entries over the past week or two, and the current main SL for Renna which is Pandora's Parabox located here: http://rdi.dragonsmark.com/forums/viewtopic.php"t=24702)

03/02/XX

That Von Gart....He always somehow manages to outsmart me....He knew I would come crawling back to him, eventually....He was waiting for his chance....He....This goddamn f*cking Pentagram Ward! If I could, I'd cut this abominable thing from my flesh and have it over and done with but....Without it, I am as mortal as those cattle I see walking about everyday on the streets of Rhy'Din's Marketplace....

I should had stayed away from him....His power over the Ward, is absolute. He is after all the one that first placed it upon my original incarnation. I should had guessed he would had done this...

But no matter. This works to my advantage, even if I have to demean myself into becoming his Slave once more. I'll be his little dog, like I used to be. I'll pretend to be his Pet. I'll do everything he wants, for in the end, it all works to my advantage; after all I got no choice in the matter....However. He ought to know by now I will always bite out at the hand that feeds, so I must be on my toes. He must not suspect my movements. I must tread carefully. Use my underhanded ways to get what I want, without his knowing.

He will aid me in returning Negzarcurgis into this material planar, whether he knows it, or not.

For now, I have more pressing matters to note. Something that may jeopardize my somewhat peaceful fa"ade at Rhy'Din...

Upon my return to Rhy'Din about three days ago, I discovered that May had escaped the clutches of my aid. The paralysis wards I had hoped to hold her down while I was away had been shattered, entirely. I should had known that such a minor restriction would not be enough to hold down my daughter. She is strong, arrogant and persistent, just like Mommy....I suspect she fought against her bonds until the strain broke them.

But she cannot get far. Her exoskeletal form is currently incomplete and crude at best, and her heart is far too damaged. Even though it has taken me two days to discover this fact, I still suspect she is still within the city walls, for I have felt her presence close by; if for only for the briefest of moments, towards the Docks.

I will not be surprised to find her hiding somewhere there, half dead from hunger, and deluded through the pain. The presence I felt must be the Manticore Virus within her gathering the energy to establish its link and notify me of her location.

At least I know now where to look, and the closer I get to her, the stronger our link shall grow. She should be easy to find, now.

The one question on my mind, is why the presence of May feels....Charged. Almost hyper. As if she were....Feeding...

If that is so, then I may be already too late.

Who knows how many she has killed, for blood.

I have to put a stop to it before someone finds her....I have to get to her first. I shall search the Docks, today, and when I find her, I shall bring her home.

With force, if necessary.

(To find out what happened to May and just who her unfortunate victim is, please take a look at this post, located here: http://rdi.dragonsmark.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=24771. All praise to the mun, for it was her initial idea! I just supplied the bite. No pun intended.)

This Dark One · Date: 2013-02-25 14:35 EST

(This entry mentions a few things. One being the scene; which is still undergoing its completion of Martyr's rescue located here: http://rdi.dragonsmark.com/forums/viewtopic.php"t=24919 and Brian's Forgetting Fate contribution located here: http://rdi.dragonsmark.com/forums/viewtopic.php"t=24946. Of course, shameless plug-in for Snow Moon: http://rdi.dragonsmark.com/forums/viewtopic.php"t=24978 Be there or be square. Or triangle. I like triangles.)

25/2/XX

It seems my life is a constant turmoil of misery and heartache.

The situation with May, has been resolved for now. I had found her with ease once I was within close proximity to her hiding area, down at the Docks. Her victim " a woman who works in the Academy with me as the Nurse there; a woman named Martyr, was very much a live by the time myself, Arthour and Charles had arrived on the scene. If it was not for them, I believe we would had lost Martyr to my daughter's insane lust for her blood.

Once May was....Neutralized, thanks to the fail safe I had purposefully built into May's frame, allowing for strong telepathic attacks (as was supplied by Arthour), to incapacitate her, I had found something....Interesting, of note.

This Martyr " this woman's blood, is highly potent. It has intoxicating and regenerative qualities to it, which would explain May's sudden maddened interest in the woman. I must keep an eye on this Martyr. She might prove useful for future experiments. Well. Her blood, in any case.

With May now safely returned to me; and thanks to Arthour's input, I have installed her new heart successfully. My daughter's life, is saved. Now I can fully begin the reconstruction of her body without worry. Of course, this time she will be heavily sedated at all times, so there will be little chance of her escaping, again.

If only there was a way to....Change her mind and perception of me, without the potentially life threatening repercussions. I must experiment with the Manticore Virus's capability to alter memories. I just need to finding a willing " or not so willing " subject...

I have encountered Isuelt again. I finally believe I am making some progress with her. She seems to....Hold conversations with me, without trying to remove my head from my shoulders. It may have something to do with the fact that I stood by her, when all hell broke loose in the Inn that one evening. That Kitty was shooting at Edward Batten " which for the record I do not blame her for doing that, for even I have the urge to stick a bullet between the eyes of that handsome....Intelligent....Two-timing, backstabbing, sneaky little....Sex on legs of a man.

I've somewhat deviated from the point of this entry.

Anyway. Let us hope this new found peace between Isuelt and I, can last. I doubt it very much, however. If I do ever get the opportunity, where I find Isuelt dangling off of the edge of a cliff. I might just....Tread on those fingers. Just a little. So I can watch her fall.

Other notes to mention, is that with Arthour's help ? I really need to thank this man. He has helped me more than any one has ever had since....Brian....Nemesis.

Brian.

Something is not right with him. He came to the Inn the other night, and he seemed to not remember his Scathachian bitch of a wife. Or rather. He has forgotten she was his wife, yet still, he acknowledges her existence.

What on earth has gotten into him' Is the headaches he mentioned a part of it' He mentioned he would visit me some time in the future. Maybe I'll get some more answers, then.

For now, I must get ready for the Snow Moon tonight. I must put an effort in to making an appearance. Socialize. Be friendly.

That kind of crap.

This Dark One · Date: 2013-02-28 09:01 EST

28/2/XX

Snow Moon was successful, and dare I admit I actually enjoyed myself. Aside from that lovely bartender serving up quite the number of drinks I wanted to simply devour as a whole, I could not tare myself away from the snow fights with the children, and other Bristle Members.

I don't normally....Find myself entertained, when acting silly, and childish. If anything the truth of the matter is I hate children. Snot nosed, crying and oh so innocent little creatures I have had the displeasure of creating in the past. I am not the kind of woman who wants, or deserves children " hell I was surprised Ebon did not snatch his son away from me when we started our snowball fight. But, as our past meetings with himself and his son have shown, I actually do find the little squirt....Pleasant, and agreeable. And for some reason, Ebon trusts me around him.

Perhaps on the surface. Who knows what that man is thinking, when a murderer of men, women and children engages with fun and games with his dear little son. I can only imagine, in the back of his mind, he was prepared to attack me, upon one false move on my part.

Other than that, Kruger showed himself, and we....Flirted, some. I feel guilty for doing so, even with Kaius's disappearance. I am still engaged to him, even if, he is no longer around.

Even if he left me without a single word. Or letter...

I suppose, the reason why I just....Let loose, during the party with the children and eventually Kruger, was so that I....Could forget, about Kaius. It worked for a time. But when I realized what I was doing with Kruger....Using him to make me forget about Kaius. Trying to force myself to feel attracted to the man " I just....I just fled.

I felt disgusting.

I normally don't care about such things. Given the chance; in the past, I'd just betray every man and woman I've had a relationship with just for a one night stand. I'm a creature of pleasure, after all. Be it through the deaths of my enemies, or the deaths of those lesser than my stature, or be it through the empowering feeling of betraying someone you claim to love, and throw it all back into their face.

The discussion last night, with Brian, made me realize....For reasons beyond my understanding, I....Don't want to hurt him. I don't hate him, for disappearing. I feel no anger whatsoever. All I feel, is this emptiness.

I should feel proud, and empowered. I've become the Leader of Eternal House. I've been given a position of responsibility. They trust me.

But still. I feel hallow.

Maybe that is why I'm leaving Mage House, and living in Eternal House. To get away from Kaius's room, which, still to this day, is the way he left it.

I've requested my Eternal House room be stripped bare. I require only the basics. I want nothing to remind me of him.

I don't want to be reminded of comfort.

? Just like I have accepted, that I am merely fated to repeat my bloodied history, do I also now accept that I will be, always alone. With no one to share a bed with, who can hold me, when I awake screaming from my nightly nightmares.

Some leader I am going to turn out to be...

This Dark One · Date: 2013-03-04 07:21 EST

04/03/XX

I try my best to do what is right and yet every time I achieve something, I always balance it out by doing something stupid. I" Did not mean to try and hurt Crowe. I didn't hurt Crowe. That was the main thing " but I" Almost, did. I'm happy the Restriction stopped me" I'm happy Edward was there to try and talk some sense into me but"

I was drunk.

Drunk and stupid"

I broke the crystal that allowed me to speak, and worse than that, I think I've broken something far worse. I think I broke friendships. I" Why do I always do this"

Why do I always hurt those around me" Even if I love them, why do I do it' Why do I bother"

Why am I acting this way' I need to grow up, and face the fact I've made a mistake. I should not had drunk myself stupid for the better part of three days" I" Needed something, though, to take my mind off of the pain" I want to forget about him"

But somehow I feel" As if I have forgotten something important. What is it'

I" Feel, like a fool.

I'm going to focus on my work. Try and" Not drink anymore of this vodka"

Maybe a drop more won't hurt me, before I go to sleep tonight.

Just a drop" It can't hurt to have a drop"

I'll try and find Crowe and Arthour later, and apologize. Maybe? They won't be mad at me if I explain my actions"

Topic: Weighing of the Heart (Journal)

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

Manticore

Manticore

This Dark One

This Dark One

Manticore

Manticore

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One

This Dark One