Christ, Ri. What the hell happened to us" What did we let them do to us" Didn't we promise each other we'd always be together" That we'd get through anything" Didn't Orla tell us we're stronger together than apart' Yeah, I remember that. I remember everything now. Every single goddamned thing. Every moment that we spent together. The good, the bad, and everything in between.

I remember things that never even happened. The dream Coyote sent me. A dream of our future. Our happily ever after. Paddy, and Johnny, and Em. That dream gave me hope in my darkest moment, when I thought I'd lost everything, but it was only a dream. And now, I've lost you forever, and nothing will ever be the same again.

David's a good man, and he loves you. I'm happy for you, Ri. I really am. You deserve someone like him. Someone who can love and support you and give you everything you need, everything you want. Stability, security, honesty. I know I'm a mess, and it's because of that I lost you. I'm sorry for that. Maybe you were right. Maybe I should have talked to someone. God knows I tried.

I miss you so much. I feel empty inside. There's a hole in my heart now that won't ever be filled. I wish I was more like you. You're so much stronger than me. You have so much to live for, Ri. Someone who loves you, friends, family. You have the life I've always wanted. The life we wanted. The life we were so close to having before they fucked everything up.

Lailah says I was your guardian angel once, that I fell in love with you and became mortal so we could be together. The joke's on me there, isn't it' I failed you once. I want to kill them for what they did to you, for what they did to us, to our boy. I won't fail you again. I swear. I promised to always protect you, and that's a promise I intend to keep, even if it kills me. That's the only thing that matters anymore.

I wish you only happiness. Only good things. I hope that you and David can have the life that we wanted. And I hope someday you'll forgive me. I can't come to the wedding. I can't watch you marry someone else. I'm sorry. I just can't. How can I when I'm still in love with you? God, if you only knew. But you never will. You'll never read this. You'll never know how much I miss you. How empty my life feels without you.

Life goes on, or so they say. I thought my life was over when Jessie died, but then there was Cara. And when Cara left, there was you. But I know now, I didn't come here for Jessie or Cara. I came here for you. You always like to remind me that it's not about me. No, it's not about me, Ri. It's never been about me. It's about you. Can't you see that' It's always been about you.

I love you with every breath, every heartbeat, every thought and every word, and I always will, even if you never know it. Be happy, Ri. That's all I've ever really wanted. Just for you to be happy. Rhys Bristol January 2011 Rhydin

It's over. David and Riley are married. I no longer lay any claim to her heart. She belongs to him now. It's better that way. The reception was awkward, but I wanted to be there. I needed to be there. It was the least I could do after everything that's happened. They'll be gone soon on their honeymoon. Two weeks, they said. Two weeks to get this thing finished before they get back. It doesn't give me much time.

I met a pair of twins at the reception tonight. Twins, Christ. The old Rhys would have been falling all over a pair of twins, but was I? No. I don't know what?s the matter with me lately. Maybe I've lost my touch, or maybe I just don't want anyone getting close. Getting close to me is like playing with fire, and I don't want anyone else getting burned.

I finally found what I was looking for. A summoning spell. It took me a few days to gather all the right materials. All I have to do now is gather my courage. Luke offered the use of a warehouse, and that's where I'm setting up shop. It will take a few days to get everything ready, and then I'm going to put the spell to the test. Summon up a couple of bottom feeders first to make sure it works before I go after the big fish.

I've been in Rhydin for about two months now. I've waited long enough. It's time to end this, with or without anyone's help. One way or another, it's going to be Lilith or me.

Rhys Bristol February 12, 2011 Rhydin

There's an old saying that goes, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was." But that's a load of crap.

I screwed up again. First Riley, then Kellie, and now Lelah. Maybe it's better this way. Safer. At least, for them. But that doesn't make it any easier.

How many times have I told myself that' I pushed Kellie away, telling her it was safer for us not to be together.

I told Lelah we'd go slow and then I used the Big L Word and scared her away. She said she needs time, but that's just her way of saying it's over. Over almost before it even began.

I'm not sure what went wrong. Maybe she's right. Maybe I am on the rebound, but I know what I'm feeling, and I didn't lie to her. I didn't tell her I had feelings for her just to get her into bed with me. As much as I'd enjoy that, that's not why I said it. I said it because I wanted her to know how I feel.

God, I'm such an ass. I should have just kept my big mouth shut, but I promised myself no more secrets, no more lies. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, it seems.

Maybe she's right. Maybe I am rushing things, but if there's one thing I've learned it's that life is too damned short. And yet, aren't good things worth waiting for" Why am I so damned impatient'

Maybe it's because I've got this thing with the demons hanging over my head. I don't know if I'm going to live or die, and here I am telling some poor girl I'm falling in love with her. What the hell is the matter with me"

I know Riley cares, but that's little comfort. She'd whack me in the head if she knew about any of this. I've thought about calling her. She's the only one that seems to understand me at all, but what?s the use" She'll just rage at me and tell me what I already know. You screwed up, Rhys. Why do you keep screwing up"

The one time I finally make a connection with someone, the one time I finally feel like maybe there's a real chance at happiness, and I screw it all up.

So, what do I do now" I can't call her. She said she needs time, but I don't know how much time I have left. What am I supposed to say' Hey, Lelah, if anything happens to me, I want you to know that I love you? I'm sure that would go over well. I told Riley that once and she almost killed me herself. Women don't usually like talking about death, but death is a certainty of life. Maybe the only certainty.

Rhys Bristol April 13, 2011 Rhydin

It's been a long time since I've written in this journal, and a lot has happened since then, but I'm not writing this to record what?s already happened. I'm writing to try and get some things straight in my head.

I'm writing this from St. Petersburg, where Nat grew up. In Russia. What used to be called Leningrad. I don't think Nat ever wants to come back here again, so it will probably be my one and only visit. When I think about all the crap she had to go through growing up - all the crap her father put her through - it makes my childhood look like a picnic. I wish I could make it all go away, but I can't.

There's only one way to change it, and it's too risky. It's better to leave well enough alone, no matter how painful it might be. Any change, however small and seemingly harmless, could create what?s commonly known as a Butterfly Effect, the results of which could make matters worse, rather than better.

I haven't mentioned any of this to Nat yet, and I'm not sure I should. It's probably better she doesn't know. I had a hard enough time struggling with all the what ifs such a dilemma presents. What if I could go back in time and save my parents" What if Nat could save her brother" I'd give anything to be able to do that for her, but there are too many things that could go wrong, and I'm just not willing to take that risk.

Then, there's the matter of my sister. Is she really still alive, or was Abaddon just messing with me" Demons lie. It's what they do, but you can never be sure because every now and then, they tell the truth just to screw with your head. I've gone over that night a million times in my head. I know what happened, but what if I'm wrong" What if I'm not remembering it right' I thought I killed my first demon that night, but I was wrong. All I did as kill my own father.

What really happened that night' Did my sister die with my mother or didn't she" And if she didn't, what happened to her" Where is she" Where's she been" What's she doing"

I may have to go home to find the answers, but Iowa is the last place I want to be. There are too many memories there. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, but maybe it's better to leave well enough alone. I don't know.

I haven't told Nat yet, but I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with my life anymore. Yes, I'm the Champion of Avalon, whatever that means. I'm her husband now and her protector. From our line is supposed to come the next Lady of Avalon, and while that's all well and good, what does that really mean' I've been chasing demons all my life, and they've been chasing me. It's all I've ever done. What am I supposed to do now"

And then there's the question of what to do about the demons that are still out there. Now that the Gates of Hell are closed, we're gonna have to rethink how we go about killing them. I mean, I can't exorcise their asses back to Hell anymore, and killing them not only kills the host but frees them to find another vessel. What we need to do is figure out how to kill the demon without harming the host, and I'm not quite sure how to do that yet.

These are all things I need to talk to Adam about. Maybe there's something we're missing. Maybe there's something Dylan and David knew that we don't. I told Nat we need to go to New York, but it's not just about seeing Adam and Gina again. It's about sorting this all out in my head. I can't do it alone anymore. Maybe I never could.

Rhys Bristol September 2013 St. Petersburg